Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 23

 



Chapter 23

 

                                                                THE TIME

                                           

                                                             WHEN SANDY 

                       WAS TOLD SHE WAS TRULY NOW, IN LOVE!

                                                              


  Now, before this event had occurred, let me tell you that because of how everyone from that work had truly played upon my feelings and I do mean, everybody, like I wouldn’t know whether I was coming or going of how I might be starting to feel for Matt then.  Course, if anyone, like myself, had never in their entire lives had those true feelings, like that, whether it was love feelings or not, for someone so real, before well they were still feelings!  

 So, there was no doubt about it, what they were really doing, was so curl, because it this left me so confused, like I was really trying to understand of what was happening to myself.  But, at the same time, had wanted to know of why they were all doing this to someone like myself, so they could see if what they were trying to do, would work.  Which, as you know, tried to make this poor girl, have those feelings that really should be amazingly as well as, wonderful, if it ever happened to them, by ending up falling head over heels in love with someone special from work, could work!  

 Anyway, while I was feeling like this then, but also, feeling like I was all messed up because of one minute, I was feeling so very happy, then the next of how I felt so miserable, that at times would make me even cry for no apparent reason, told one of my friends that worked at a nearby coffee shop of how I was feeling for this certain person.  As well as asking them, “what can you possibly think that all these feeling that I’m going through, could possibly be mean?" 

 Only, what my friend had told me was, "what I do think that all these feelings, that you are telling me of actually sounds the first stages of falling in love."  Which, could say, no sooner then he had said this to me, that it took my breath away, because all that came to mind was how can I possibly fall in love with someone for real?  How?  

 Because, if you must know even though, I really felt that all of them from when I work there, had all played with my emotions, so I would probably end up of having these romantic feelings for (Brown Eyes), Matt. would never have thought, it may come to this, which was really falling in love with someone, but whom that someone, was Matt himself.

 Because how I was really feeling, was once again, all down to those from work, would just loved to imagine what if though, none of them hadn’t truly decided to play upon my feelings, as they did!  “Would I still end up feeling the way I did or still do, as it's been now fifteen years, since I work there, as well as, whom had allowed myself, to end up being madly in love with this guy?  Well, would I?  

 As that’s what I would have loved to have known!  So, while my friend had tried to explain shortly after I told him that, well, what he thought my feelings had meant was, it was definitely the first stages of falling in love.  Which, I did ask them, then, "if you would know these feelings that I have, would stop?"  Because, as I never had felt like this for anyone before, had now probably started, had also, scared me. 

 But to my question, all my friend could reply was, “well Sandy, it really depends, as it can either go in time, or you may always feel like this, because as it’s being the first stages of falling in love, means, Sandy that you are now starting to fall in love with someone.”  Which once again, all that was flowing through my mind, was really thinking to myself, 'oh no!  How can this have happened?  

 Because it was only around then, that I did try to deny to myself, that it was really all of them, that started to make me feel the way I had.  As I wasn’t just feeling shocked or surprised, but it had more left me, a bit mixed-up from these feelings.  Not forgetting, how I did feel quiet confused from it all, because of how I was also, trying to understand it.

 And so, when the following day came, well while Deek and myself was in the shop, alone, he asked, “what’s wrong Sandy?"  As I reckon he probably thought that I looked like I was in a world of my own, but just didn’t know of why!  Then, once again, he said, “hey!  “Sandy are you really okay?"  “Because it looks like you’ve got something on your mind!  Which thinking he would have probably kept this to himself, now, stupidly gone and told Deek of what my friend had not only said to me, but who also, had thought of what all these feelings of mine, had actually meant, was the first stages of falling in love.

 Only, no sooner then I had, all that Deek started to do was give me a little smile, as I’m sure he knew before, of even trying to explain to him that how can I possibly love Matt so very deeply?  Which, to be honest now, think I was starting to!  But also, while I was trying to explain to Deek of these feelings was scaring me, had also, visions of what happened to me of last time, when I tried to say to Matt while Deek was around, of how I liked him, by just writing it down, as well as, thinking to myself then,  I’m sure Matt will like it?  Even maybe take this has a really lovely compliment like some would!  Didn't! 

 Because at the time, before really doing what I had done Matt, to me had truly looked so down in himself or even maybe not feeling so well, which all I was trying to do then, was to see if I could cheer the guy up.  But instead, I got myself in so much trouble with him, so really what I’m trying to say was after what happened back then, well I sure didn’t want to even try to tell Matt of what my friend had said about what all these feelings I was now having for him, was the first stages of falling in love because first of all, I just didn't want to imagine that look on his face yet, again.  That's if the guy knew! 

 As well as, thinking to myself, as I sure didn’t want to go through all that again, with him!  Because last time, he certainly can be Hyde, from "Jekyll and Hyde" films.  Also, if Matt had knew about what all these feelings that I’ve now got, was the first stages of falling in love, would he understand of how I was feeling, was all down to them?  As well as, rather thinking, that I was only trying to cheer him up, because of like I said, I sure didn’t want to risk of telling him in case, he would have a flare up at me again.  

 Because, of what I can remember, back then, when Matt had really, shouted at me at the top of his voice, course, I was trying to cheer him up, he also, got Deek involved, so I would end up in more trouble, when Deek got back, the following day.  But saying all that now, at least this time I didn’t have to worry of what Deek may say, if Matt had found out, like last time, because it was Deek, himself, that wanted to know, “what was wrong with me in the first place, as well as he knew.

 Only, as for keeping my secret now, from you know who?  Well, only time will tell, because of how I know them all from work, had always stuck together, like bullies, would from any old School and pick on some poor kid.  So, what I’m saying is, even though I told Deek wouldn't breath a word of this, to Matt, wouldn’t surprised me, he had!  But like I said at least I could put my mind at rest, that Deek this time had knew as well as he took it well because of the way he was truly smiling away at me, as he did, when I told him of this.  

 After telling Deek of this though, I also asked him, “please!  “Just don’t mention this to Matt?"  Which I also said to Deek for some reason, “as I just don’t get it!  “How can I really love someone?  “And someone, as you know, like him!  Because there was no doubt about it of course, that Deek knew who I was talking about.  As I then continued to say to Deek, “I can’t tell him that I love him, I just can’t!  As it’s easy if it was you Deek, because I don’t love you," "So, I can say, I love you Deek without feeling so nervous in front of yeah, or shy." 

 “But, if you know, who, had came wondering in now, well I know I just couldn’t say it, as maybe, as you know what happen to me last time when I only tried to tell him I liked him and whether I can remember or not, it was that following day, he involved you into telling me off!  Only, very much later, which I think was when sadly Deek was no longer around, as our Manager but someone else, 

 Which if you don’t mind, really don’t want to remember of that time, but who I had referred this person, as the big fat Baboon, because this person who took over from Deek’s post, as Manager for a short time, had not only took advantage of my good nature, but who took advantage when I was most variable when Matt left.   But, which I can now say, as it’s easy for me to say had left me with a broken heart.  In other words, when Matt truly left us, well, it left me feeling like I was hollow, as if he took a huge chunk of me, with him.

 But while Matt was still around, but was left in change while this Manager that I really don’t want to remember, had a day off, well, unfortunately was so horrid to me.  Which, I didn’t know of why, because, of what I can vaguely remember, this day, I had to work more hours then I usually had, from any day of being there.  Because of knowing that I had a lunch break, as well as, Matt seemed to be in a real foul, bad mood, which wasn't nothing new for me, as, I could do nothing right that would make things better, even after he had popped out for a while, leaving Bobby in change. 

 Now, Bobby, even though, had worked among us some time now, was in her early twenties, thin as a blooming charcoal stick or a pencil, with black hair, down to her shoulders and face, as white as a sheet.  In other words, the only way, I could ever describe Bobby was, she was more like "Wednesday" from, "The Addams Family Film."  

 Anyway, when Matt came waltzing back into the store, he did seem to have a smile on his face, as he told us of how his interview had went for this job, as well as, mentioning, that I may have a good chance in getting it!  Only, funny enough, just before he had told us all this, who should walked in?  But, once again, that bloody toffee-nose, cow, Liz with her kids, wanting to know, "how did the interview went?"  Which was when he decided to brawl about how good news maybe of getting this job.  That he could only, described, as it's better then this job," “as well as, I would get more money also.”

 Only, from hearing all this, did actually upset me so much and I think Matt knew of this, because while he telling them all this, had not only kept looking straight at me with a smiling, but who for some reason, just wouldn’t allow me to go past them or basically, carry on with my work.  Because of the way he truly blocked me in a corner from the till, so I couldn’t get away, which I couldn’t look up, because firstly, it was the way he seemed to give me that certain look, as well as, smiling, the way he had.  And secondly, I believed that idiot knew I was truly getting upset, of hearing he was deciding to leave, if he had got this job! 

 As to what happened after that "cow," Liz had left with her kids, well, let’s just say, for a while Matt did seem to be okay, while talking to Bobby, or should I say, once again, "Wednesday" from The Addams Family because of how she truly appeared to some, from outer work.  Only, I'm not talking of the Security Guards that was around the centre!at the time, "Oh no! for it was some other people.  But, anyway, getting back to while Matt seemed to be like, while always talking to Bobby back then, course, while he had, that he, kept glancing over to me every once in a while.  Which I’ve got to admit, was nice for me to think that, was he or not, looking at me?  

 For instance, while trying to do some work, they came strolling along by my table, that I was doing the delivery, but who at the same time, made sure he was still talking about his interview and how he may get it.  And even though, he was still gazing over to me at times, with that smile of  his and who was still very much talking away to Bobby, couldn’t help feeling like saying to him right there and then, “oh!  “Matt, if you only knew of how you always seem to put me in a little world of my own.  But who also, at the same time, couldn’t say anything, because of now I was feeling really upset of thinking, I’m going to lose someone that I don’t want to really admit it to myself, but who I love and as well as, who I'm going to miss so very much. 

 But as they kept on talking away about this job which I’m sure Matt had wanted me to hear them-like, because, it wasn’t just the way he kept looking at me but, how he was talking to Bobby.  But it was the way, he was more acting around, when I tried to just move away from them.   And why?   Well, he kept asking me, “where do you think you’re going now Sandy?"  Only, as it was the way he was just looking at me with hypnotic brown eyes, couldn’t answer to his question, but who really did try to stay and carry on with the deliveries I was doing.  Yet, the more he talked about this so-call job to Bobby, as well as, still glancing over to me, occasionally, well, after hearing him telling her, “I can’t wait in getting out from here!  Could say, once again, it got to me, all over again. 

 Though, the more I really had felt like I can’t handle to listening to all of this anymore, the more I thought, if I just pretend to go in the back to get something for the deliveries, well they wouldn’t know anything was wrong with me.  But once again, as soon as I tried to move, well I was sure Matt knew that his plan for coming by to my table and still talking about this job he may have got, had worked.  Because of the way I was looking at him when I eventually moved, as I had to for my sake once again, asked me with that look in his eye, “now, really where do you think you’re going?"  Replied, “I’m just popping in the back to get a hanger."  Which, as you know wasn’t true of course.

 But whether the guy had believed me or not, was his problem, because, all I wanted to do at the time, was to get away from them as I knew what they were doing or should that be, really Matt!  So, as soon as I went straight into the back, all that I could say to myself, quietly was, “oh! “Matt, I love you."  As for when I came wondering back out, still seeing them both hanging around that table, but who at the same time now, saw Matt was still looking at me, thought, well, I can’t keep going in the back to get away from them both.  Even though, I brought a hanger out to try and convince them or should that be him more then Bobby, that, that was the reason of why I went into the back.  As it was only me and me alone that knew that this wasn't true.

 So, without any further a do, I decided to get hold of myself to go back over to them, who made sure that I wouldn’t now show how I was bothered, if they were continuing to talk about this job he was sure he was probably going to!  Only, it was around then that I could say had saw Matt was showing signs that his bad temper, was slowly returning yet again, but whether all this was because I was continuing with my work and not showing signs that I was slightly bothered of the news anymore, “well who knows?  All I do know was, it was slightly strange to see, from where I was standing, Matt’s behaviour had suddenly changed as it did for like no apparent reason, yet again.  Which, wasn't new to me!

 Only, all that afternoon, Matt was pretty much in a very, foul foul, mood, which even though he made it looked-like he was in a very bad mood to everyone, had a rough idea of who he could have really been in a foul mood with.  But for who had probably couldn’t work out of why, all of a sudden, his behaviour had changed as it had, at times when he was around only myself once again.   And whatever I was seem to be doing, well, Matt was still horrible to me, even after I had my lunch break.

 So, eventually I asked Bobby, “what can you think that could be making Matt in a foul mood?" “doesn't he know how we'll all don’t want him to go?"  Which Bobby then replied, “but I think he would prefer it if you went up and said it that yourself."  "Me!  As I said, while looking over to him, but who said, "okay, then!  Though, after I went up to him, to say something to him, made me feel, that if I was going to say anything to him well, I know I couldn’t look at him, because not that I didn’t want to!  But it was more due to the fact, that I really felt something for him.  As well as, secondly I didn’t want to say anything that may sound silly or stupid.

 But all the same, I’ve got to look at him in away, so after saying, “Matt I know I may have told you this before but you do know we don’t want you to go don’t you!  I did notice as I was looking up slightly that he was starting to smile a little as well as it had looked he was looking over to me.  Especially, after I had told him, “okay Matt!  “If you really must know it’s me that don’t want you to leave, because I will miss you.” 

 Which as I turned just slightly, thinking to myself, well okay!   Now, I’ve told him it’s really me that’s going to miss him if he left.  Should he now, be okay towards me or act like act he had, which I was scare of him to know!  Only, suddenly I heard from one of the girl’s that was standing around the till, say, “but I think Matt wants you to apologise to him?"  "Apologise," as I said, because all that came to my mind then, as I replied back, unprepared for what was coming next was, "but why, should I apologise to him, if I have nothing to apologise for?" 

 Only, what happened next was first, looked straight at Matt, then without thinking of what I may say next, had more then less cried out, “but why should I apologise to you Matt?"  “As I love you to bits!  Which boy!  Could say, wasn’t my intention to come out, as it had.  Because I thought, ‘oh no!  ‘Now, I’m really in for it!  But strangely enough, instead of expecting Matt to have a right go at me, the guy just started to really give me a lovely smile.

 Though, when I had suddenly said that still couldn’t help feeling like saying, “my god!  “I can’t believe I said that!  But I did!  Only, thinking my nerves must have got to the better of me because there was no way, on earth that I would ever tell someone that I love them, like I had with Matt.  Just no way!  And as for Matt, well even though he was smiling away, and I do mean, he was truly smiling at me, just couldn’t help wondering I must have really surprised him!  Because it was the way, he had totally reacted after I told him that, as he first bent down just slightly, while at the same time hearing a little laugh coming from below the till.  But who then, just before he got himself back up had turned himself around acting all silly-like, but who at the same time went all shy on me. 

 So, what I’m saying is because of shouting out that, “I love you to bits,” the guy had now really showed his nicer version.  Only, what would you say if I told you, that after getting himself back up from under the till, he then turned himself around towards some tops that was hanging above, nearby to hid his face amongst some tops.  As that was what happened Matt, had really hid his face amongst these tops that was hanging so close.   Maybe he really didn’t want to show that I honestly and truly made him blush so, as well as go bashful and shy,  like he mostly does to myself.  But, as it was already to late for him to really hide his shyness away from me, had immediately thought Aww!  ‘Just look at you Matt.’ 

 Only, as I’m the sort of person that could really say is shy, as well as, whom that blush very easily when anything like this does happen, after saying that, as well as also now seeing Matt had acted the way, first some people of coming in to see him, run straight in the back, before as I thought ‘oh no!  as well as, ‘I’m now going to get told off by him!  Because it wasn’t just visions that I had of him, of telling me off, but the fact, I could still remember of how he truly was when I sort of told the guy of how I could have liked him maybe even love him.  So, before I could let Matt get the chance to say anything, run straight into the back.  As for what happened while I was in the staff-room, well who knows?  Probably nothing, but I just couldn’t help thinking to myself, well they must be talking about what just happened then.  Because if you just think about it, who wouldn’t want to talk amongst themselves, while someone like myself, wasn’t there?  As I was really sure they were talking about me and of how I did feel like I made a complete fool of myself.

 Though, as for when I came wondering back out, from the back, well, who should be there standing not just near to the fitting-rooms, but who was to quite near to back door?  As, well as, blocking my path-way?  But Matt!  And even though, he was suppose to be talking away, to these people that was trying to speak to him, well all I could see was, Matt didn’t seem to be paying much attention to them, but who seemed to be paying more attention looking at me, after opening the door with a huge smile on his face.

 Anyway, whilst I was gazing into those dark brown eyes of his, well all that I could think was, ‘oh no!  ‘I’m not going past you,’ even though, I could have asked him kindly "can I please get past Matt?"  Just couldn't!  As, something told me that I couldn’t say anything because of the way he took me by complete surprise.  So, instead, I went around the corner from him, but who still couldn’t help feeling like his eyes was present on me, as I slowly turned around noticed that I was right in thinking the guy could have been still looking at me while I went around the corner.  But who also, felt whilst I was walking away from him that my tiny little hairs on the back of my neck, was now starting to stand on end.            

 Now, it could have been how the guy was now making me feel, by knowing he was not playing any attention to those that could have come in to see him, but thinking, was he still watching me with that certain look that made me feel like I had all goose-bumps popping up all over me.  Which I know may sound strange, but which was also, so very true.  Because as I returned back from what I was doing or trying to do, that is, that I just couldn’t help myself to see if he was still actually staring at me as he was, whilst I was going around that corner and then who slowly turned around.

 So as I slowly looked up to see if he was still looking at me, thinking, at this stage, he should be talking to those people by now, was so wrong in thinking that!  Because as I slowly turned around and glance up, noticed that the guy was still truly looking straight at me with that smile, taking no notice, what so ever of those that was sitting down near the fitting-room as they were still really trying to talk to him.  And I’m sure they could see by the way Matt was just standing there on a spot, not taking any notice of them, but who was paying more attention looking directly at me instead. 

 And who may I say if I haven’t said it before, couldn’t either help myself by not taking my eyes off him.  Which those who were sitting down, could have may see us by the way we were both looking at each other.  Even though, I don’t know for sure that they were because maybe I don’t want to admit it to myself that we were both looking into each others eyes.   But what was horrible was after all that talk of making me believe he could have been both leaving us very soon, as well as you know, making me so worked up so I would eventually end up shouting out so loudly, “I love you to bit."   That, after all that, Matt did not seem to leave as he had continued in working for us.  

 

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