Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 23


Chapter 23




                                                 THE TIME WHEN SANDY 

                       WAS TOLD SHE WAS TRULY NOW, IN LOVE!


  Now, before this event had ever occurred, well because of how everyone from work had played upon my feelings and I do mean, everyone!  Course, of my feelings had truly felt like they were either coming or going!   Because my feelings for Matt had then, really started!  But for someone like myself who had never in their entire lives had those feelings before, whether it was love feelings or not, well they were still feelings! But it was so hurtful for how they all, even though, it had included Matt had thought, shall we play with her?  

 Course, there was no doubt about it!  That what they were doing, was so in fact, so curl!  Because of leaving me so confused!  Like I was really trying to understand of what was happening to me!  But yet, at the same time, had wanted to know, of why they were all doing this to someone like me?  As, I was damn to know of why then, that they did this to me!  

 As well as, knowing, whatever they were trying to do, had worked!  But who had also, knew they had hurt my feelings at the same time!  Which, as you know, had tried to make this poor girl, have those special feelings!  That really should have been so amazing!  As well as wonderful, if it would have really happened for real!  Without, anyone of them playing with my feelings!  Course of ending up falling head over heels in love with someone like Matt!  

 Anyway, while I was feeling like this back then, but also feeling quite confused, as well as, messed up, because one minute, I was feeling oh so happy!  Then the next, I was feeling so miserable, that at times, would make yours truly cry for no apparent reason!  But who after, telling one of my friends that worked at a nearby coffee shop called, Esquires, of how I was truly feeling for this certain person!  As well as, asking, “what could you think that all these feelings that I’m going through, could mean?" 

 Told me, "well, what I think Sandy, of what all those feelings that you're telling me about, sounds a bit like the first stages of falling in love!  Which, no sooner then he said this, that it took my breath away!  Because all that came to mind, was how can I possibly be in love?  And for real?  Well, how?  Course, I had never would imagined, that I aka Sandy, could ever felt in this way!  Even though, of how much all those sodding Barstards from work, had played with my emotions!  It must have worked!  Course again, it was now, of how much I was totally feeling!  

 For ending up of having all those romantic feelings for that mystifying, hypnotic, and may I had captivating big brown eyes, aka Matt!  As, I would never would have thought it could come to this!  Never!  But it had!  As I really felt hopeless in love with someone so real now!  But for whom, that someone, was Matt!  That unfortunately, despites me!  Or dislike me!  Either way, Matt had showed that he didn't like me, alright!   Because of the bloody times he acted half of the times, like Mr Hyde! 

 Because first of all, for really thinking how can anyone in their right mind see me, Sandy as either, pretty, beautiful or even more so, attractive?  Well, how can they?  Course, I know, for a fact, from experience in my past of being bullied, that there is no way on gods earth, a guy would truly look at me in that way!  Just no way!  So, why?  Oh why?   Was those  Barstards from where I use to work, all those many years ago, had wanted to play upon this poor girl emotions!  Over someone that either dislike her or hated her guts, course that's how it certainly had felt with Matt!  When the guy had simply turn into Mr Hyde with only me! 

 Because truly how I was feeling, was once again, all down to those from work!  But, what would you just loved to imagine if none of them hadn’t played upon my feelings, as they did!  “Would I still end up feeling as I did for Matt?  Or still do!  As it's what been fifteen years, since I worked there!  As well as, whom allowed herself, to like a person, then, continuing to think I was in love with deferent Actors, from my past!  

 Well, would I?  As that’s what I would have loved to have known back then!  Why!  Course, like I mentioned, after asking one of my friends, that worked at Esquires way back then, of what they thought it could be?  Their rely was, "well, what I think your feelings could be, is, the first stages of falling in love!  Then, asking them, "if you would know these feelings that I have, would ever go?"  Because, as I never felt like this!  

 But to my question, all my friend could reply was, “well Sandy!  "it really depends!   "Course, it can either go in time!  Or you may always feel like this!  "Because if these are the feelings, stages of falling in love!  Well, that means, Sandy that you are now starting to fall in love with someone!  Which once again, all that was flowing through my mind, was really thinking, oh no!  How can this happen?  Or even, be possible!  

 Because it was only around then, that I did try to deny to myself, that it was really all of them, that started to make me feel the way I had!   And once again, they were total Barstards to do this!  As I wasn’t just feeling shocked or surprised!  But mostly a little bit mixed-up from how I was starting to feel for you know who!  Not forgetting, how I did feel quiet confused from it all, because of how I was also, trying to understand!

 And so, when the following day came, well while Deek and myself was in the shop, alone, well he asked, “what’s wrong Sandy?"  As I reckon he thought, I looked-like I was in a little world of my own!  But who just didn’t know of why!  Then, no sooner then he said, “hey!  “Sandy are you really okay?"  “Because it looks like you’ve got something on your mind!  Which thinking he would have kept this to himself, had stupidly gone and told Deek of what my friend had said to me!  But who also, thought of what all those feelings of mine had actually meant, which was, the first stages of falling in love!

 Only, no sooner then I had, all Deek started to do was give me a little smile!  As I’m sure he knew before, even trying to explain to him that how can I possibly love Matt so deeply as I had?  Which to be honest now, think I was starting to!  But also, while I was trying to explain to Deek of these feelings was scaring me had also had visions of what happened to me the last time!  Of when I tried to tell Matt, while Deek was around, of how I liked him so!  By writing it down, as well as, thinking to myself then, I’m sure Matt will like it?  Even maybe take that as a really nice compliment, like anyone else would!  But, oh no!  He didn't! 

 Because before of doing what I done, Matt did look so down in himself!  Or even maybe not feeling so well!  Either way, that was why, I wanted to try and cheer him up!  But instead, I got myself in trouble with him!  So, what I’m trying to say is after what happened back then, well, I sure didn’t want to try to tell Matt of what my friend had told me!  Of what all these feelings I was now having!  Not course it was that it was the first stages of falling in love!  Why!  Hell no!  But frankly!  It was course of him!  Matt!  That all these feelings, of mine was really starting to occur upon the surface!    

 Because first of all, I just didn't want to imagine that look on his face yet again if he knew!  Which was looking like he had anger in eyes with me!  That's if the guy knew of how I was truly now felt for him!  Because last time, he certainly acted like Mr Hyde, from Jekyll and Hyde films!  And that's no joke!  Nasty and horrid!  

 Also, if Matt had knew about what all these feelings that I’ve now had, was the first stages of falling in love!  Well, would he understand of how I was feeling?  Then, rather thinking, that I was only trying to cheer him up!  As, I really didn't want to risk of telling him in case, he would flare up with me all over again!  Because, of what I can remember, back then, when Matt had really shouted at me at the top of his voice, for only trying to cheer him up, he also got Deek involved!  

 So, I would end up in more trouble when Deek had got back, the following day!  But saying all that, now, well at least this time I didn’t have to worry of what Deek may say!  If Matt had found out, like last time, because it was Deek, himself, that wanted to know, “what was wrong with me in the first place!  Though, I'm sure he knew already!

 Only, as for keeping my secret now, from you know who?  Well, only time will tell, because of how I knew them all from work, had always stuck together-like!  Like bullies, would, from any old School that I may have been!  And who pick on some poor kid!  So, what I’m saying is, even though I told Deek "please don't breath a word of this, to Matt?" Wouldn’t surprised me, that he had!  But like I said, at least I could put my mind to rest, that Deek this time had knew!  As well as, he took it well!  Because of the way he was smiling at me, as he did, when I told him of this!  

 So, after telling Deek this though, of  “please!  “Just please, don’t mention this to Matt?"  Which I also added, “as I just don’t get it!  “How can I really love someone?"  “And someone, as you know, like him!  Because there was no doubt about it of course, that Deek did knew of whom I was talking about!  As I then continued to say to Deek, “I can’t tell him that I love him!  "As, I just can’t!  "Course, it’s easy if it was you Deek!  "Because I don’t love you!  "So, I can say, I love you Deek without feeling so nervous in front of yeah, or shy!

 But, if you know, who, would come wondering in right now, well, I know I just couldn’t say those words!  Maybe, it was what happen last time!  For when I tried to tell Matt of how I liked him!  But which he had involved you Deek!  For telling me off!  So, that was why, I so didn't wanna try to tell Matt, if he would have came wondering in, at that time of how those new feelings, that I was told by that friend of mine, was starting to come!  

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