Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 23


Chapter 23


                                                                THE TIME


                                                            WHEN SANDY 

                       WAS TOLD SHE WAS TRULY NOW, IN LOVE!


  Now, before this event had ever occurred, because of how everyone from that work had played upon my feelings and I do mean, everyone.  So that I wouldn’t know whether I was either coming or going of how I might be starting to feel for Matt.  Course, for someone like myself, who had never in their entire lives had those feelings before, whether it was love feelings or not, well they were still feelings!  

 So, there was no doubt about it, what they were really doing, was so curl, because it this left me so confused, like I was really trying to understand of what was happening to myself at first, but, who at the same time had wanted to know of why they were all doing this to someone like me?  As, I was damn to know why, that what they could see what they were trying to do, had work, but yet, who was hurting her feelings!  Which, as you know, tried to make this poor girl, have those special feelings that really should have been amazing as well as, wonderful, if it would have ever happened for really, for ending up falling head over heels in love with someone special!  

 Anyway, while I was feeling like this back then, but also, feeling like I was all messed up because one minute, I was feeling so very happy, then the next of feeling so miserable, that at times would make yours truly cry for no apparent reason!  But who after telling one of my friends that worked at a nearby coffee shop called, "Esquires" of how I was truly feeling for this certain person as well as, asking them, “what can you possibly think that all these feeling that I’m going through, could possibly mean?" 

 Only, what my friend told me was, "what I do think that all those feelings, that you are telling me about, sounds a bit like, it's the first stages of falling in love."  Which, I could say, no sooner then he said that, had took my breath away, because all that came to mind was 'how can I possibly be in love with someone for real?  "Well, how?  Because, if you must know, even though I really felt that all those sodding "Barstards" from work, had played with my emotions, so I would end up of having these romantic feelings for that mystifying, hypnotic, "big brown eyes" aka Matt, well I would never would have thought, it may come to this!  Which was really falling hopeless in love with someone so real, but whom that someone, had to be Matt, that unfortunately, despite me. Or dislike me!   Because of bloody acting half of the time like "Hyde." 

 Because first of all, for really thinking how can anyone in their right mind see me, "Sandy" as either "pretty," "beautiful" "or even more so, Attractive?  Well, how can they?  Course, I know, for a fact, from experience in my past of being bullied, that there is no way on gods earth a guy would truly look at me in that way!  Just no way!  So, why!  "Oh why, was those fucking "Barstards" from where I use to work, all those many years ago, had wanted to play upon this poor girl emotions, over someone that either dislike her or hated her guts, course it was the way Matt had simply turn into bloody "Hyde" with only me at times! 

 Because truly how I was feeling, was once again, all down to those from work, but, what would you just loved to imagine if none of them hadn’t played upon my feelings, as they did!  “Would I still end up feeling like the way as I did," "or still do, as it's been now fifteen years, since I worked there, as well as, whom allowed herself, to firstly like a person, but who had sadly because of them, truly had ended up falling head over heels in love in with  this guy?  "Well, would I?  

  As that’s what I would have loved to have known!  So, while my friend had tried to explain shortly after I told him that, well, what he thought my feelings had meant was, it was definitely the first stages of falling in love!  Which, I did ask them then, "if you would know these feelings that I have, would ever go?"  Because, as I never felt like this for anyone before, had now started, to scared myself. 

 But to my question, all my friend could reply was, “well Sandy, it really depends, as it can either go in time, or you may always feel like this," "because as it’s being the first stages of falling in love, it means, Sandy that you are now starting to fall in love with someone.”  Which once again, all that was flowing through this girls mind, was really thinking to myself, 'oh no!  How can this have happened? or even be possible!  

 Because it was only around then, that I did try to deny to myself, that it was really all of them, that started to make me feel the way I had.  As I wasn’t just feeling shocked or surprised, but mostly a little bit mixed-up from how I was starting to feel.  Not forgetting, how I did feel quiet confused from it all, because of how I was also, trying to understand it.

 And so, when the following day came, well while Deek and myself was in the shop, alone, he asked, “what’s wrong Sandy?"  As I reckon he probably thought, I looked like I was in a world of my own, but who just didn’t know of why!  Then, once again, he said, “hey!  “Sandy are you really okay?"  “Because it looks like you’ve got something on your mind!  Which thinking he would have probably kept this to himself, now, stupidly gone and told Deek of what my friend had said to me, but who also, thought of what all those feelings of mine, had actually meant, which was, "the first stages of falling in love!

 Only, no sooner then I had, all Deek started to do was give me a little smile, as I’m sure he knew before, of even trying to explain to him that how can I possibly love Matt so very deeply as I had?  Which, to be honest now, think I was starting two!  But also, while I was trying to explain to Deek of these feelings was scaring me, had also, visions of what happened to me the last time, when I tried to say to Matt while Deek was around, of how I liked him, by writing it down, as well as, thinking to myself then, I’m sure Matt will like it?  Even maybe take this has a really lovely compliment like some would!  But, who didn't! 

 Because really at the time, before doing what I had done, Matt did look so down in himself or even maybe not feeling so well, which all I was trying to do then, was to see if I could cheer him up!  But instead, I got myself in trouble with him.  So, what I’m trying to say was after what happened then, well I sure didn’t want to even try to tell Matt of what my friend had said about what all these feelings I was now having for him, was the first stages of falling in love.  Because first of all, I just didn't want to imagine that look on his bloody face yet again, which was looking like he had anger in eyes with me.  That's if the guy knew of how I was now truly felt! 

 As well as, thinking to myself, as I sure didn’t want to go through all that again, with him!  Because last time, he certainly acted like Hyde, from "Jekyll and Hyde" films.  Also, if Matt had knew about what all these feelings that I’ve now got, was the first stages of falling in love, would he understand of how I was feeling, was down to them?  As well as, rather thinking, that I was only trying to cheer him up, because of risking of telling him in case, he would flare up at me all over again.  

 Because, of what I can remember, back then, when Matt had really, shouted at me at the top of his voice, course, I was only trying to cheer him up, he also got Deek involved, so I would end up in more trouble, when Deek had got back, the following day.  But saying all that, now at least this time I didn’t have to worry of what Deek may say, if Matt had found out, like last time, because it was Deek, himself, that wanted to know, “what was wrong with me in the first place.  Though, I'm sure he knew.

 Only, as for keeping my secret now, from you know who?  Well, only time will tell, because of how I know them all from bloody work, had always stuck together-like, bullies, would, from any old School that I may have been and pick on some poor kid!  So, what I’m saying is, even though I told Deek "please don't breath a word of this, to Matt, wouldn’t surprised me, he would!  But like I said, at least I could put my mind at rest, that Deek, this time had knew as well as he took it well because of the way he was smiling at me, as he did, when I told him of this!  

 After telling Deek of this though, I also asked him, “please!  “Just please, don’t mention this to Matt?"  Which I also said to Deek for some reason, “as I just don’t get it!  “How can I really love someone?"  “And someone, as you know, like him!  Because there was no doubt about it of course, that Deek did knew of whom I was talking about.  As I then continued to say to Deek, “I can’t tell him that I love him, I just can’t!  As it’s easy if it was you Deek, because I don’t love you," "So, I can say, I love you Deek without feeling so nervous in front of yeah, or shy." 

 “But, if you know, who, would come wondering in right now, well I know I just couldn’t say it, maybe, as you know it was what happen last time, when I only tried to tell Matt of how I liked him," "and also whether I can remember or not, it was the following day, he involved you Deek into telling me off!  


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