Wednesday 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 23


Chapter 23




                                                 THE TIME WHEN SANDY 

                       WAS TOLD SHE WAS TRULY NOW, IN LOVE!


  Now, before this event, had ever occurred!  Well because of how everyone from work, had played upon my feelings!  My feelings that had truly felt like they were either coming or going!  Because my feelings for Matt now, had then, really started!  But for someone like myself who had never in their entire lives had those feelings before!  Weather it was love feelings or not!  Well they were still feelings!  But it was so hurtful!  Hurtful, for how they all, included Matt himself had thought then, 'shall we play with Sandy's feelings!  Course, there was no doubt about it!  That what they were all doing, was so curl and hurtful!  Because of leaving me so confused with mixed-feelings!  Like I didn't know of weather I was either, coming or going 

  But yet, at the same time, had wanted to know, of why they were all doing this to someone like me!  As, I was damn to know of why that they had wanted to do this to me!  As well as, knowing, whatever they were trying to do, to me had worked!  But who must have known, they had hurt my feelings at the same time!  Which, as you know, had tried to make this poor girl, finally have those special feelings!  That really should have been so amazing!  As, well as, wonderful, if it would have really happened to me for real!  Without, anyone at work playing with my feelings, like they had!  Course, of ending up falling head over heels in love with someone like Matt!  

 Anyway, while I was feeling like this, but which, was also feeling quite confused! Not to mention, all messed up, like I mentioned!  Because of feeling one minute, was oh so happy!  Then, the next!  I was feeling, so blooming miserable!  That at times, would make yours-truly cry for no apparent reason!  But who after, really telling this person that worked at a nearby coffee shop called, "Esquires" that how I was really feeling!  And who I did mean, finally feeling for this Matt!  By asking, “what could you think that all these emotions, that I've been feeling, could be? 

 Told me, "that what I reckon Sandy!  "Is that what all those feelings, that you're been telling me of!  "Sounds a bit like, the first stages of falling in love!  Which, no sooner then, he said that!  That it took my breath away!  Because all that came to my mind was, 'how could I possibly be in love?  Hey!  Just how?  And for real!  Course, I had never imagined, that I aka Sandy Dazley could ever feel in this way for anyone!  Even how much all those sodding "Barstards" from work, had played with my emotions!  Hadn't thought for one moment, I would really fall for someone!  Course, of how much I was now, totally feeling!  By ending up of having all those romantic feelings!  

 Feelings, which was for that mystifying, hypnotic and may I had, captivating "big brown eyes" which was my pet name for Matt, at this time!  As, I never would have thought, that all what they did, could have come to this!  Never!  But it had!  As, I really felt then, I was now so hopeless in love with someone so real!  But who that someone, was Matt himself!  Who unfortunately, had  despites me!  Or shall I say!  Had made out, had disliked me so!  Either way!  Matt showed that he didn't like me, alright!  Because of those times he acted like that nasty character of  Mr Hyde, towards only myself and no one else, from work! 

 Because of really, thinking to myself, 'how can anyone like Matt, behave like this towards only me?  Course, ok!  I know I'm not either, pretty!  Beautiful!  Or even attractive!  From my past experience, of being bullied!  Bullied that there was no way, on gods earth then!  That I would know, there would be a guy, out there that would truly look at me in a romantic way in time!  So, once again, why?  Oh why!   Was those sodding "Barstards" from where I used to work, those many years ago, had simply wanted to play upon this poor girl emotions!  So, I would eventually, end up falling, madly and passionately in love with him!  Matt so deeply as I truly did! Course, boy!  Of knowing I probably still do, from this day forward!  

 Course, of not being like any of those "pathetic girls" that's just mostly going around in Town these days with someone, like one minute they're with then!  The next!  They're not!  Like some would play a very dirty game with the guys feelings!  Like making themselves fucking pregnant, so that the guy can't allow themselves to decide what they had wanted in life!  But getting back to how they were pushing my feelings, that far, so I would really fall in love with someone, that either, disliked me!  Or just plainly, hated my guts!  Course, that's how I certainly felt, while Matt was always, mostly around me, then the others!  Because of how his behaviour was truly like a lot of the times, Mr Hyde! 

 Because truly!  How I was feeling, was all down to those from work!  But, what I've always, would imagined was, if none of them had played upon my feelings, as they had!  “Well would I still end up feeling as I did, for Matt?  Or maybe still do!  Or would I just go to my business, in carrying on with my work, as always?  But as it isn't!  Course, of it being fifteen years, now, well I probably had allowed myself then, to really like a person!  Then, who had continued to think to herself, 'I will still continue to love different Actors, from different series!    

 As that’s what I would have loved to have known back then!  Why!  Course, like I mentioned!  After asking one of my friends, that had worked at Esquires, of what they must have thought those feelings of mine, could be?  Which, their rely was, "well, what I think your feelings could be, is the first stages of falling in love!  Then, asking them, "if you would know these feelings that I have, would ever go!  Because, of never having these feelings that I was definitely feeling!  

 But to my question!  All my friend could reply was, “well Sandy, it really depends!   "Course, it can either go in time!  "Or you may always feel like this!  Because as he added, "if these are the first stages of falling in love, well that means Sandy, that you are now starting to fall in love with someone!  Yes!  Falling in love!  Which, all that was flowing through my mind really was, thinking 'oh no!  'How can this happen?  Or even, be possible!  Because it was only around then, that I did try to deny to myself!  Deny, that my feelings, was really to do with all of them from work!  That started to make me feel the way I had!  And who was a total "Barstards" to do that to me!  Course, of feeling, mostly a little bit mixed-up from how I was starting to feel for "you know who!  Not forgetting, how I did feel so quiet confused from it all!  Because of how I was also, trying to understand!

 So, when the following day came, well while Deek and myself was in the shop alone, well he asked, “what’s wrong Sandy!  As, I reckon he thought, 'I looked-like I was in a little world of my own!  But who just didn’t know of why!  So, no sooner then he said, “hey!  “Sandy are you really okay?  “Course, it looks-like you’ve got sumat on your mind!  Which, thinking 'he would have kept this to himself!  Had stupidly gone and told Deek of what my friend from Esquires had said to me!  But who also, thought, 'what was all those feelings of mine had actually, meant!  Which was the first stages of falling in love!

 Only, no sooner then, I had!  All Deek had started to do, was give me a little smile!  As if he was sure he knew before hand, of trying to explain to him that how can I possibly really love Matt so deeply, as I had!  Which, to be honest, thought 'was I starting to!  But also, while I was trying to explain to Deek of how these feelings, was scaring me!  Had also, had visions of what happened last time of when I tried to say how I felt for Matt!  By writing something so nice down it down!  As, well as, thinking, 'I’m sure Matt will like it!  Even maybe take that as a really nice compliment, like anyone else, would!  But, did he!  Oh hell no!  He did not!  Because before, of doing what I done, Matt looked so down!  Or should I say, maybe not be feeling to well!  Either way!  That was why, I wanted to try and cheer him up, while he was with Deek!  But the way he was towards me half of the blooming time, had truly showed he wasn't a nice guy, that would have took a complement!  

 Course, even though, I may have added, to him in front of Deek that I really liked ya!  Showed me, that he wasn't interested in me, like that!   As, he added, "I've got a girlfriend!  Which, I then thought to myself, 'you could fucking keep her mate!  'Course, when I either, had said, "I liked ya!  Or loved ya!  Didn't mean, I wanted ya, in that way!  Because of way you are sometimes towards me!   As, I just couldn't help myself in liking ya, that's all!  Really!  I couldn't!  But knowing as I do!  That Matt had never liked me, like those other immature girls from work!  Plus, his so call, "palsy-walsy" mate, Bobby, that honesty looks crossed between, "Wednesday" from The Adams Family!  And a totally skinny bloody char-coal Pencil-stick, that you always, used to like to hang around with!    

 So, what I’m trying to say is!  After what happened well, I sure didn’t want to try to tell Matt of what my friend had told me, while I was in Esquires!  No way!  Even though, Deek knew!  I sure didn't wanna let him, "Matt" knew of how I was now truly feeling for him!  Because of just knowing then, he would probably have a right go at me, like last time!  Because what he should know was!  Theses feelings that I was now having, weather it was "the first stages of falling in love" should be so special for me!  And me only!  No matter what he had reckoned!  I was, by my friends description, was now, on the verge of falling head over heels for him!   

 So, hell no!  I was not gonna allow Matt to know of how deeply I was now, feeling for him!  Course, all these feelings, of mine was truly starting to occur, upon the surface for him!  Because at first!  All, I just didn't want to imagine that look on his face yet again!  If he had knew, that is!  Which, to be frank!  Had that look, with anger in his eyes!  So, once again, no-sir-re!  Was I gonna let him know!  Because last time, he certainly acted like a person I truly wouldn't wanted to know, full stop!   

 And that's no joke!  "Nasty and flaming horrid!  So, I very much double that he would understand of how I was feeling!  Then, rather thinking, 'I was only trying to cheer him up!  As, I really didn't want to risk of telling him in case, he would flare up, with me all over again like!  Because of what I can remember, back then!  When Matt had really shouted at me, at the top of his voice for only trying to cheer him up!  Had like I mentioned, got Deek involved!  So, I would end up more trouble when Deek had got back, the following day!  But saying all that, now!  Well at least, this time I didn’t have to worry of what Deek may say, if Matt had found out!  Like last time!  Course, it was Deek, himself that had wanted to know, “what was wrong with me in the first place!  Though, I'm sure he knew already!  Which saying so, was a crafty sod!

 Only, as for keeping my secret, from "you know who?  Well, only time will tell!  Because of how I knew them all from work had always, stuck together-like!  Like bullies would, have from any old School that I had used to go to!  By picking on some poor kid!  Well that was why I told Deek "please don't breath a word of this, to Matt!  But I wouldn't be  surprised, that he had!  As Deek did acted suspicious half of the time!  Which saying all that at least I could put my mind to rest, that Deek himself knew this time!  As, well as, he took it well!  Because of the way, he was smiling at me, as he did, when I told him of this!  

 So, after telling Deek, “please!  “Just don’t mention this to Matt!  Also added, that I didn’t get!  Course, of how I could really love someone!  And someone, as you know, like Matt!  Because there was no doubt!  No doubt!  That Deek did knew of who I was really talking about!  As, I then continued to say to Deek, “I just can’t tell him though, that I love him!  "Course, it’s easy if it was you Deek!  "Because as I don’t love you,  well I can say, "I love you Deek, without feeling so nervous in front of yeah, or shy!  But, as I continued to said, "though, if you know who would come wondering in right now, well, then, I would know I just couldn’t say those three words to them!  Which you must gathered was "I love you!  Maybe, it's course of what happened, last time!  For when I tried to tell Matt of how I liked him! 

 But there again, who had involved Deek!  For telling me off!  So, that was why, I so didn't wanna try and tell Matt now, if he had came wondering in!  That's if he had!  But thank god!  He didn't!   As, it truly would have made it harder for me to look right into his face, with those biggest brown eyes!  That honestly knocked me out, left, right and sinker!  As, well as, trying to tell Matt of how I've now got those special feelings, for him!  Which, of course, I was told by that friend of mine, from Esquires that these feelings was definitely the first stages of falling in love!  

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