HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU
AS WELL AS
AS WELL AS
TRYING TO BE CHEERED UP, BUT WHO COULDN'T
TRYING TO BE CHEERED UP, BUT WHO COULDN'T
COURSE OF KNOWING IT WAS MATT'S FINAL
COURSE OF KNOWING IT WAS MATT'S FINAL
Now, let’s get back to when Matt had came wondering into work that day to find out from Bobby after asking, “what’s wrong?" Because no sooner then he had, Bobby said, “Sandy's upset, upset because of knowing you’re leaving.” Which was true, but who I didn't like to confess that I didn’t want to think about him leaving. Really I didn’t! Course, oh boy! Did my feelings show up to the surface, while at the same time, trying so hide from those around work.
Though,when Matt had finally got back from his holiday well, before his last day of working that Saturday, what happened was while I just went into one of the coffee shops to get myself a drink, called "Esquires," well, who did I notice coming around the corner of a shop? But Matt! At first, I didn’t think it was him, only that, it looked like him, which when I had realised it was, could only say, I was in total surprised, because of wondering why was that guy looking directly straight at me, as he did? Course, while he had, not only was he walking straight towards "Esquires Coffee Shop," but who was carrying on, looking at me while he was with some girl, holding hands.
Now, thank god! That the following day, I didn't allow work would put me down, by asking me to come in, as I had a day off, but who was sure that they probably already knew that I wouldn’t, even if they had, asked me to come in to help them out, because of really knowing that on this day it was Matt’s last day with us. So, for me, I just felt that I couldn’t bare the thought that after this day onwards, Matt, who was that guy, that I first clapped eyes on, leaning against that big table, with his arms folded, but who looked like he was in a little world of his own, wouldn't be working with us anymore. Felt now, I was in fact, so upset because of knowing, I had truly, fallen, deeply and passionately in love with him, but who never liked me! Sound stupid now, but who I just didn't want to allow myself to show that I was hurting inside! Course, boy! Was this girl hurting so much, over Matt then.
Which meant, I felt that my heart was not in it, to try and even make myself, for popping into work that day, to say, "good-luck Matt." Course something, deep down, just wouldn’t allow herself to just walk into work that day, because of knowing straight away, that if I had, then something would have sure to happen and happen, to maybe in front of my darling Matt, being like a true romantic person.
Which, I wouldn't wanted Matt to notice, if he had saw me just in case, he would either laugh to the others later on, in the day. Or simply, just tell me, "stop being so bloody stupid, Sandy for crying! As I would have, if I wondered in and saw him, possibly smiling course, of now leaving. Instead, on this very day, while I was up Town, spent most of my time in "Esquires" first, to just try and not to think about this saddest day of my life, as well as, of himself, that I tried not to think of even more.
And why? Well, again, it was how I was truly feeling, only I just couldn’t help myself for thinking of him so much now! Why! I even thought, first, that if I didn’t go anyway near to my work, then maybe, just maybe, it might be easier for me to carry on through this hardest and upsetting day, that I didn’t want to really think of! But who I couldn’t even do that either!
Because, as I was truly feeling, thought I really needed to be cheered up and cheered up so badly, because the more I was thinking of him, "Brown Eyes" aka Matt, the more I thought, oh! Sandy, for god sake, don’t start crying now! Please! Just don't! So, I went over to see all the guys, that I can honestly say, knew of how they would cheer me up, no doubt about, as well as, had knew of how I really felt for Matt.
The only problem was, they were all working opposite to my work, which was going to be slightly harder for myself, course, as I didn't want to go anywhere near to my work, was that store opposite to my work, called, "Wackys! But, as I wanted to be cheered up, through on this saddest day, I had to see them. But the more I got closer and closer, the more I said to myself, 'now Sandy, just try not to look straight in, at your work right now? In case, you saw him, standing around nearer to the front? Which, I was referring to My darling!
Which, if he might have wanted to see me, which
I’m not saying he did, but if so, then it would only be for thanking me for the card that I left with them, while he
was on holiday. Course,
Course,I truly couldn’t imagine that there could have been another reason, of why Matt had wanted to see me, that’s if he had, to imagine he wanted to really be nice at me by just saying something else without the others around.
But, reminding myself, Matt was not one of those nice guys, that at one point, in my early life, had imaged! Course, of how I truly remembered, how he at times, had truly acted like "Hyde" with what that looked-like a bloody angry like, waiting to explode at only myself, and only myself, by a lot of the times, swearing at my face! But, being a old fashion-romantic, as I am, had still so long to wish that something surprisingly, could have happened to me, from Matt, but, I wasn't hoping in a romantic way, course of the way, I knew straight away of what he was like. And as for these days now, guys and girls, just want one bloody thing, and one thing only. Which I'm certainly not like that at all!
As my old dream, was always, always imagining, what would it be like, if I ever did meet that certain someone that is so nice, shy, with a lovely smile, but who's definitely so decent, that would like me for who I am, than just thinking of one bloody thing. Which, knowing Matt as I did then, could see he was most definitely not like that, as he was like all the rest of those sex mad guys. Even though, I know now, for a fact, nothing so nice could ever happen to yours truly, "Sandy." Because, of how those flaming Bastards had then, played upon my feelings, over Matt, who being the way I am, will forever love, no matter what! So, loving someone else now, is for me out of the question, course, I just can't see I can love another now!
* ForI’m not that sort of person, "who is looking for guy" or "even wanting a fella," let alone, whose "bloody disrupt, for one," like I'm sure now, a lot of those girls around are like. Because, what I've always believed was, "if it happens, then it will happen! As well as believing in, "true love does take a hell of a long time to happen, not if I met someone, then something would happen straight away, which I 'm certainly not course, these days, they say if one don't have sex, then it's not true love!
Which, my answer to that is "what rubbish! Or Crap, that is." As, my dream was, if I did eventually meet Mr. Right, which I'm sadly to say, as all gone down the swami river now, can't ever see that forever happening. Course, of not wanting to be with anyone, that if they only want Sex! Sex! And only bloody Sex! Which, I'm not stupid, a lot is a like nowadays! Which means, these days guys, just can't bloody control their bodily function, as like Matt had, way back then, which showed to me, he was not a very nice guy, or even like how I always dreamt of meeting!
Course, of remembering that every single time, those that actually knew him, from outer work as well as, times myself, saw the idiot of wondering around here in Redditch, with yet, a different bloody girl, before hooking up with that "humongous, Fat Bimbo," that he did end up with. But whom, way back then, was always going out with an, on and then off, none-existent relationship, which everyone called a joke. Or just saying, "that it was only him, that just doesn't know what he wants! Which, sounded like he needed to fully grow-up then, just acting like he had, by can't control their bodily function and just go around having sex for fun!
But it was only that idiot, Matt had it in his thick, enormous, huge fat head that truly thought, he was in a real relationship! Which, all I will say to that is now, "ha! "ha to you Matt! Course, as it was only Matt that had actually thought this well, secondly, "I'm now glad Kamas as gone straight back! "In other words, probably, kick his huge butt, to where the sun don't shine," hoping he some day had realised "but, who can't see that, that huge "Fat Bimbo," that who he ended up with, had certainly played a very dirty Game over him, back then, because of how they thought, yours truly, was after him! Which, showed they must have had a screw bloody lose in their "Pea-Butt-Twisted Brain!
Yet, as for myself, well course, I'm a true believer! And I do mean, this girl is a true believer! Well, what I believe is, anyone can certainly still truly love someone so much, as I probably still do now and forever, for Matt. But who without thinking, like a lot of those around those days, including both of them had then, or still do, "but if you love someone, you must have sex! Which, I totally have to disagree! In other words, "what total rubbish! Course really, as, I'm dreamer, dreaming, of what if it came to me of having a companion-ship or even a partnership, in the future, but in a most very passionate, romantic way, that would last for entirely, without bloody sex, could it ever happen now? Which, once again to that answer is, "No! I can't see it happening!
Course, I'm totally not like those, what you would call a "Fat fucking Bimbo" or "Tart," that just simply like to go around with just anyone, but in a "on, off" ridiculous and most stupid relationship, as like Matt and his other half now have got with their loads of "Sex-Objects." Which is that huge, Fat, miserable, twisted, humongous, Bimbo, who really does think as well as probably say to themselves, in their tiny but, "Pea-Butt- twisted Brian" that we would call inside of their dinky heads," "but what we got, is a real relationship!
Which I'm sure, if anyone whose not so bloody stupid, would agree, as I still do! If they knew what I mean, about how these two had liked to operate, by going out for only sex, sex and more bloody sex, but in an on off relationship? Because, speaking for myself, well, if any fellas out there, don’t like the way I am, if they ever met "Sandy" well, really what I've got to say is, "tuff shit to all of you guys," "because, I'm not one who would apologise for how I was brought up or even believing how true love is!
Course, like I mention, I see myself, as a "truly, old-fashion, romantic that just like to imagine or dream, "what could have happened, if there was a truly a nice guy, those many years ago, before I met Matt, "just what if? As this may sound silly now, but I'm still imagining what's it's like to be flaming kiss? Course, I never been kiss, as well as, imaging, what would it be truly like, to be embrace so passionately, course, that was all basically, what this girl, simply was looking for in a guy!
Only, that was the problem with Matt, I think? Course, way back then, between 2006 and 2007, but more so, in 2007, I was sure Matt wasn't any different to all those other guys, that only after one bloody thing, then, rather wanting to know someone nice, such as myself. Who may I say, had wanted to know him as just a friend! But who couldn't, course, of secondly, how those horrible Barstards, that worked where I worked, made it so flaming awkward for yours truly, to be a friend with Matt. There again, Matt, didn't help, course, at times, he joined in with them.
But, for saying all this, anything bad or doing anything, like telling Matt where to go, if I were still "vulnerable" or "weak" then I know that this girl could probably not, because, of how I was truly starting to feel for the guy. Meaning, that I ended up in love him so much. For I'm not anyone that if it won't for being in love now, wouldn't say to any guys, "I want you! "Or your mine! Like how once again, all those flaming, "Slappers," "Bimbos" or even "Tarts," that does unfortunately, exist around nowadays,
Then, someone like myself, course, of whom, they just like to play a dirty game with whoever they maybe with, by telling the guy, "well, ha! "ha! "Look, now, I'm pregnant, you can't like anyone else, course, you're mine." As well as, probably even saying, "I've now got you trap." "And trap you, I have," "course, now, you have got responsibilities and so you can't leave me!
Because as for myself, well, as I’ve never had those sort feelings for anyone before, well if saying if it weren’t for all those pathetic idiots, from work of playing with my feelings, which I sure they had, well I wouldn’t have probably grown in to caring for him first, before, ending up in love with Matt! Let alone, that while I was still there, most of them, including my friends from outer work, had kept telling me, that there was something going on, between the two of you. Which I couldn't see!
Because of how at times, while Matt was still there or not, had treated me so differently, to how he was, with the rest of them. Which, was always like to he turned slightly horrible towards me, like he seemed really cross for no reason, or even got moody at me for no reason. Not to say, that at times, he even ask me to go away from him, while he carries on, being oh, so nice to the others, by allowing them to put their arms around him, in front of me with a little smirk on his face. Which at the time, was sure of what he was doing. But whenever, he had treated me in that way, well that was the only time I had thought also, what’s going on with you, Matt? As, well as, wondering, why, are you like this, to me?
Because even though, I’ve never in my entire life had really felt like this for anyone, have got to say, “did now feel something was really happening to me! But because I couldn’t explain of how I truly felt at the start, had left me feeling so confused and a little mixed-up for this guy. Which was a little bit scary, because, it was later, that I had kept thinking about, what’s really happening to me? Just what's happening to me?
But because I couldn’t explain of really how I truly felt at the start, had left me truly feeling so confused and mixed-up for the guy. As, it was later that I had kept thinking about what’s really happening to you, Sandy? And why did they all seem to be acting in this way, towards me? Which, as you know was making me feel that they were all constantly playing with my feelings over Matt. But most of all, why did all of them from work be really so horrible towards me and no one else? As that’s what I would have liked to have known!
Anyway, getting straight back to that day that I had told myself that I think I needed to be cheered-up a bit or if not, just try to take my mind of knowing that Matt, who I had now truly loved so very much, was working his very last day with us. Because if I hadn’t gone over to see my friends from Wacky's that who I believed, had knew of how I truly felt for Matt, or even could have, had some pretty good idea of how I liked him in that way, would know myself, that I would definitely start crying in front of everyone that was around me, in the Kingfisher Centre.
The only thing though, while now I was surrounded by them all, well no matter how they tried to cheer me up or take my mind of him, just still could not do so, because as long as I knew this was his very last day of Matt working with us, that I still felt, in any minute now, I was certainly going to cry! And if I can recall, this girl so much, felt it was harder for her to leave at that precise moment, while I feeling like this.
As for my friends there, well, while one of them, Roxie had took me down to their staff-room to try and cheer me up, by who after making me a drink, saw I had a tear running down from my cheek, but it was before, I had poured my heart out to her over how I really love Matt so much, that she, like the rest afterwards, had noticed that by the look on my face, I was definitely hurting. So, after putting her arm around my shoulder, to comfort me she then noticed by now, that I was definitely crying over Matt so much.
*Only, when I eventually left them, I suddenly heard someone calling out my name “Sandy.” So, as I turned slowly, noticed it was one of the girl’s from work that was sorting the shoes out from the rack, near the entrance. As she was looking at me again, calling out my name over and over, asking me, “can you pop in for a moment?" But because of how I felt, couldn’t! As that would mean, I would definitely have to see him, Matt, which really I would start pouring my heart yet again, in front of him.
And because I do see myself as being a true romantic at heart, well what I’ve always believed is if anyone such as myself that as discovered that they could be in love with someone but who will think that if they will start crying in front of that certain person because they may now not ever see them again, would not only be so wrong to do but, who may also, leave them feeling broken-hearted as I truly felt.