Wednesday 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 26

 



Chapter 26


HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU

                                                              AS WELL AS

                          TRYING TO BE CHEERED UP, BUT WHO COULDN'T

     COURSE OF KNOWING IT WAS MATT'S FINAL 

                                                                      DAY!

 

 Now, let’s get back to when Matt had came wondering into work that day to find out from Bobby after asking, “what’s wrong?"  Because no sooner then he had, Bobby said, “Sandy's upset!  Upset, because of knowing you’re leaving!  Which was true!  But who I didn't like to confess that I didn’t want to think about him leaving!  Really I didn’t!  Course, oh boy!  Did my feelings show up to the surface?  While at the same time, trying so hide from those around work!

 Especially, knowing that after Matt had his holiday!  Which he was leaving shortly after that!  The only thing, he did have to work that following Saturday, before leaving us!  Which like I said, didn’t want to really think about!   Couse, otherwise, I would have cried all over again!  Even though, it was actually going to happen!  I know I would have!  Because I just didn't want to think of that day!  That day, that someone that I loved weren't ever going to be around no more!  As for his leaving Party!  Well, who knows that went to it?  That’s if the guy had one?  Maybe he did!  Maybe, he didn't!  But as I made an excuse up, when he asked me, “are you coming to my leaving Party Sandy?"  Should have known full well, that what my answer would have been!  As I replied, "I can't!

 So, instead, what I did was, while the guy was on his holiday, I got him a card!  So that when he would return, could give it to him!  The only thing was, part of me had felt because of how I was feeling for him, just couldn’t hand this card over to him!   And even though, this may have sounded strange to some!  Well, it's just it would have been to painful for me, knowing that now, was his very last day with us!  So, once again, while my darling, Matt was still on his holiday, I went into work to just hand this card over to Bobby!  Along with that fat baboon aka that Manager!  So, they could give it to him, on my behalf!  When he does return!

 Though, when Matt had finally got back from his holiday well, before his last day of working that Saturday, what happened was!  While I just went into one of the coffee shops to get myself a drink, called Esquires, well who did I notice coming around the corner of a shop?  But Matt!  My darling!  At first, I didn’t think it was him!  As I thought it could have looked like him!  Which when I had realised it was, could only say, I was in total surprised!   Because of wondering why was that guy looking directly straight at me!   As he had!  Course, while he had, he not only was walking straight towards the main Esquires Coffee Shop!  But who was carrying on, looking at m!  While he was with some girl, holding hands! 

 Until, when I tried to look more closer!  As, I convinced myself at first, that was this really Matt!  Or not!  That I notice or not?  While still waiting for my drink, from the corner of my eye!  Then, rather thinking it was somebody else!  But who, once again, had wondered to myself, but, why was this guy, giving me that certain look?  Because, the more they got closer and closer, the more I had noticed he was now coming around the corner, with that girl!  But who just couldn't help turning their head slightly around, to still look directly at me!  Rather looking at that girl he was with!  He certainly was giving me the most lovely smile ever!  Which I boy!  Did this girl like!  Only, this guy had a sun-tan, that had sort have confused me, just a tiny bit!  Because as long as I’ve known Matt, well any such holidays that he had, well, he had never came back with a sun-tan, like that guy had!  Never!  Which, I weren’t sure about! 

 Only, when I had looked more and more closer to this guy, this guy that I had wondered was this Matt or not?  Because of the way they kept looking directly straight at me! Well as, there was just something about him that I couldn’t help thinking, is that you Matt?  But Wondered, if that was Matt, then maybe he must have come back from his holidays!  So, when I had finally realised it was him for sure, still looking directly at me, with that for god-saken knock-out sexy smile!  Well like always, this girl just couldn’t help herself looking straight into those deep, dark, captivating, mesmerising brown eyes of  his!  I was going all shy!  Whilst he was walking further and further away from where I was now!  But who I was still smiling to myself, while dreaming of him!  

 Now, thank god!  That the following day, I didn't allow work would put me down!  By asking myself, just don't come in!  As, I had a day off!  But who was sure that they probably already knew that I wouldn’t!  Even if they had, asked me "can you come in to help us out!  Because of knowing that on this day it was Matt’s last day with us!  Course, for me, I just felt that I couldn’t bare the thought that after this day onwards, Matt, wasn't going to be with us anymore!  As this is the guy, that I first clapped eyes on, leaning against that big table, with his arms folded!  

 But who looked-like he was in a little world of his own!  Felt I was in fact, so upset!  Because of knowing, I had truly, fallen, deeply and passionately in love with him!  But who showed signs, that he never liked me!  Sound stupid!  I know!   But who really did show signs that he didn't like me!  Why?  Well, I had know idea!  Only, that who I just didn't want to allow myself to show that I was hurting deep inside!  Course, boy!  Was this girl hurting so much, over Matt then! 

 Which meant, I felt that my heart was not in it, to try and even make myself, by popping into work on that day, to say, "good Matt!  "And good-luck!  Course, something, deep down, just wouldn’t allow myself to just walk into work!  Because of knowing straight away, that if I had!  And I do mean, if I had! Then boy!  Something would have sure to happen and happen, to me in front of my darling Matt!  Being  total romantically!  

 Which, I wouldn't wanted Matt to notice, if he had, in case he would either laugh at me!  Or simply, just tell me, "stop being so stupid Sandy for crying!  As I would have!  Really!  I would have!  If I wondered in and saw him!  Possibly smiling away!  Course, of how he was now leaving us!  So, instead, I while I was up Town, had spent most of my time in Esquires!  Because of just trying to not think about this is the saddest day of my life!  As well as, of himself, that I tried not to think of even more so!  

 And why?  Well, once again it was how I was truly feeling!  As, I just couldn’t help myself for thinking of him!  Why!  I even thought at first, that if I didn’t go anyway near to my work, then maybe, just maybe, it might be easier for me to carry on through this hardest and upsetting day!  That I didn’t want to really think of!  But who I couldn’t even do that either! 

Because, as I was truly feeling, had thought I really needed to be cheered up!  And cheered up badly!  Because the more I was thinking of him, my brown eyes aka Matt!  The more I thought, oh!  Sandy!  For god sake, don’t start crying now!  Please!  Just don't!  So, as I went over to see all the guys, that I can honestly say, knew of how they would cheer me up!  No doubt about! as well as, they had knew of how I really felt for Matt deeply!  

 The only problem was, they were all working opposite to my work!  Which was going to be slightly harder for me!  Course, as I didn't want to go anywhere near to my work, well, like I said, this store was right directly to my work!  Called, Wackys!   But, as I wanted to be cheered up, through this saddest day, I had to see them!  But the more I got closer and closer, the more I said to myself, I just tried not to look straight in!  Just in case, I saw him, standing around nearer to the front!  Which, I was referring to My darling, Matt!

 As well as, hoping while I was heading towards their shop, that the guys from my work would not see me walking with her head slightly down!  Course, of trying to held back her tears, as I got closer to work!  Because first of all knowing full well, as I did, they all use to like to stick together!  And secondly, how they would probably say something to Matt!  If anyone did happen to see me!  Sandy, going straight into Wacky's!  

 Which, if he might have wanted to see me, which I’m not saying he had!  But if so!  Then it would only be for thanking me for that card that I left with them!  While he was on holiday!  Course, I truly couldn’t imagine there could have been any other reason, of why Matt had wanted to see me!  That’s if he had, imagine he wanted to really be nice!  By just saying something else, without the others around! 

 But, reminding myself, Matt was not one of those nice guys, that at one point, in my early life, had imaged!  Course, of how I truly remembered, how he at times, had truly acted like that nasty Mr Hyde!  With that angry look upon his face!  Like he was waiting to explode!  At myself!  And only myself!  May I add!  By a lot of the times, swearing at my face!  But, being a old fashion-romantic, as I am, had still so long to wish that something surprisingly, could have happened to me, from Matt!  But, I wasn't hoping in a romantic way!  No-sir re! Course, I knew straight away of what he was really like!  Though, as for these days now, with guys and girls!  For wanting one thing and one thing only!  Well, that I'm not!   

 And as for my old dream!  That I've always liked to imagine what it would be like, if I ever did meet that certain special someone that is so nice and shy!  Not forgetting, who also had to have a really lovely smile!  But who I've always imagined, would have liked them, whoever they maybe, to be so decent!  Then, rather allowing anyone back then, to simple imagine I'm like that sort of person!  Though, as for Matt!  Well he had certainly showed signs, that he was not a decent guy!  At all!  

 But just like all the rest of those sex mad guys!  Even though, I know now, for a fact, nothing so nice could ever happen to yours truly, Sandy!  Because, of how those Bastards had way back then, played upon my feelings, over Matt!  Who being the way I was feeling over him and who will forever love him, no matter what!  Course, loving somebody else, now is out of the question!  Course, I just can't see I can love another now, now that I do see that I'm in love!  

 So, once again, as I’m not that sort of person, who is looking for guy!  Or even wanting a fella!  Let alone, whose bloody disrupt, for one!  Like I'm sure now, a lot of girls around are mostly like!  Because, what I've always believed and still do, is if it happens, then it will happen!  As well as, believing in true love does take a hell of a long time to happen!  Then, rather like some pathetic girls out there, who probably believes if they met someone in either pubs or clubs, then maybe something would happen straight away!   Which how pathetic is that to believe!  Course, knowing some out there, would probably think of sex then the real deal!  

 Which, my answer to that is what rubbish!  Or Crap, that is!  As, my dream was, if I did eventually meet that Mr Right!  Which I'm sadly to say, as all gone down the swami river now!  Because, as it's not my age that stopping me!  But, I can not now, ever see that forever happening to me!  Course, it's not that I want to be with someone!   But it's more to do with half of the guys, of only wanting sex, sex and only!  Then rather wanting to know the girl herself!  As, I'm not stupid!  A lot is like that nowadays!  Which means, guys, just can't bloody control their bodily function, like Matt had!  Which showed, he was not a very nice guy!  Or even like how I always dreamt of meeting!  That would be decent!

 Course, of remembering that every single time, those that actually knew him, from outer work, as well as, times myself, had saw that idiot aka Matt wondering around here in Redditch, with yet, a different bloody girl!  Before, hooking up with that humongous, fat bimbo, that he did end up with!  But whom, way back then, was always going out with that everyone knew was a on then off, none-existent relationship!  Which everyone even called as a joke!  Or just saying, "that it was only himself, that just doesn't know what he wants!  Which, sounded like he needed to fully grow-up!  Course, of normally acting like he didn't want to control his bodily function!  And then, just go around having sex for fun!  

 But again, it was only Matt that had it in his thick, enormous, huge, fat head that truly thought, he was in a real relationship with that humongous trollop!  Which, all I will say to that is now, "ha! "ha! "ha! "ha!  To you Matt!  Course, as it was only Matt that had actually thought this!  And secondly, I'm now glad Kamas as gone straight back to him!  In other words, kick his huge butt!  To where the sun don't shine!  

 Hoping that some day he could realise that, that  huge fat bimbo that he had ended up with, had played a very dirty rotten game towards him, back then!  Because of how they thought, yours truly, was after him!  Which, showed how must they had a bloody screw lose in their Pea-Butt-Twisted Brain!  Which, I was referring to her!    

 Yet, as for myself!  Well course, I'm a true believer!  Well, what I believe in, is if anyone can certainly still truly love someone so much, as I do!  And that's forever being in Matt!  But who totally doesn't agree, like a lot of those around had!  Including both Matt and his bimbo wifie had!  Or still do!  Which was probably thinking, you can meet anyone in pubs or clubs, as like a one off, to start a relationship!   

 Which, I don't believe in that!  Course, what I've always believed in is, if you wanna meet someone!  Well, it would take a hell of a long time to start!     Course, as I'm a dreamer, dreaming of what if it came to me of having a companion-ship or even a partnership!  In the future, but in a most very passionate, romantic way!  That would last for entirely!  

 As I'm not like what you would call a huge, fat fucking Bimbo or tart!  That just simply like to go around with just anyone!  But as you know, who had played a dirty rotten game, by getting her huge, humungous, fat blob, of a body up the flaming dove!  Just so, poor Matt, couldn't live his own life or do his own things!  But who while they was with him, beforehand, this so-call fat Bimbo as she truly is, if you saw them!  

 Was always going around with Matt as an on off relationship!  Which as you would say, is not a proper relationship!  Not like you would have, when I would say, you would truly love someone as I still do over Matt!   For once again, it's been now fifteen years, since I loved him!!  But as you know,  Matt and his other half now, have got loads of sex-objects, from when I told you that she just wanted to keep playing a dirty game by telling Matt, "I'm once again, up the dove!  So, he was again, trap!  With no life of his bloody own!  Which is that huge, fat, miserable, twisted, humongous, bimbo!  Who really does think as well as probably say to themselves, in their tiny, but Pea-Butt- twisted brain, that we would call inside of their dinky heads, but what we got, is a real relationship!  

 Which I'm sure, if anyone whose not so bloody stupid!  Would probably agree, as I still do!  If they knew what I mean!   About how these two had liked to operate!  By going around together, for only sex, sex and more bloody sex!  Then meeting someone, with those true feelings that would last for entirety!  Because, ever since we knew those two, well it was always in an on off relationship!  

 Then, how mostly of our generation!  Or of how the elderly would have met their partners!  Which, I was referring once again, it really does take a hell of a long time for meeting your true love!  Speaking also, for myself!   That is!  Course, if any fellas, out there wouldn't like me as I am!  Well, what I would say is, "tuff shit!  Course, If no one would like me!  Well, I'm not one, that would apologise for how I was brought up!  Or even believing in how true love is should be!  

Course, like how I mention, I see myself, as a truly, old-fashion, romantic!  That just like to simply imagine or dream!  That what could have happened, if there was a truly a nice guy, those many years ago, before I met my darling, Matt!  Just what if?  Even though, this may sound silly now!  Because as I'm still imagining what's it like to be flaming kiss?  Course, I never been kiss!  As well as, imaging, what would it be truly like, to be embrace so very passionately, by that very person!  Course, that was all basically, what this girl, had simply been looking for in a guy, if one would existed for her! 

 Only, that was the problem with Matt, I think?  Course, way back then, between 2006 and 2007!  But more so, in 2007, I was sure Matt wasn't any different to all those other guys, that only was after one bloody thing!  Then, rather wanting to know someone so nice!  Who may I say, had only wanted to know Matt as just a friend!  But who just didn't want to! Course, of secondly, how those horrible Barstards, that worked where I worked, had made it so flaming awkward for yours truly, to be a friend with Matt!  There again, Matt, did not help either!  Because of times, how he joined in with them all!   

But, for saying that!  Well, as he had sometimes nasty to only myself!  Well personally, I just couldn't, even thought, I wanted to so much!  Because all I had to do, was look into those gorgeous, melting mesmerising, deep, brown eyes of his!  And boom!  Wham-bam thank you mam!  This girl, goes all weak in her knees and even feeling a little light headed!  Couldn't tell Matt off!  Or simply tell him, where to get off!  Course, of this girl was still very vulnerable and a little shy!  Even possibly, weak!  Because, of how I was truly feeling for him!  Meaning, that how I ended up in love with Matt,  my darling, so much!   But I'm not just anyone, that would say to any guys, "I want you!  Or!  "Your mine!  Like how a lot of paretic girls, out there, nowadays, think!  Then, someone like myself, who doesn't! 

 But whom, those out there now, just like to play a dirty game half of the time, with whoever they maybe with!  By telling the guy, that they maybe with, "ha! "ha!  "Look, now!  "I'm pregnant!  "So, you're mine and no one can have yeah!  As well as, probably even saying to themselves, "I've now got you trap!  "Course, now, you have got responsibilities and you can't leave me!  Like how Matts other half, had gone and done to him, way back then!  Because of how they actually thought, I or even possibly anyone else, was interested in Matt!  

 Which, I don't think that was right at all to do!  Course, if I was younger, or even now, well firstly, I would never, never play a dirty rotten game to trap a guy down!  So, they could never think for themselves!  Or even carry on with their own lives to see what they truly want for themselves!  But there again, as for my old dream!  A dream, that if it would ever come true, for meeting that special person well, I would always believed, those sort of feelings for anyone, would last for entirely!  Then rather one minute, of saying, to that person, "I want to be with you!  Then shortly after, telling them, "I don't wanna be with you anymore!   

 Which, once again, was just how Matt and his so-called wifie had acted back then!  When they were around, before she had decided to fuck his live away!  By getting her huge, humongous, fat, blob of a body, pregnant!  From not true love though!  As we all knew way back then, with Matt and her!  As, well as, we all knew basically, their relationship wasn't real!  Course some would even told me, that, "he probably doesn't even know that what the hell he wants!  Because as it was an on, off going relationship again!  And this was all because of not allowing Matt to ever live his life and make his own mistakes!  

 Which getting back to say that if I had or could ever meet someone, which, I now can't ever see that for happing!  Because for what all those pathetic idiots, from my old work had played with my feelings!  Which I know that they had!  Well, I wouldn’t have probably grown into caring so much for Matt, as I did!  As well as, ending up in love with Matt himself!  Let alone, that while I was still there, most of those Barstards, including some my friends from Wackys, had kept telling me, "that how they could definitely see that there was something going on, between both of us!  Which I couldn't see! 

 Because of how at times, while Matt was still there or not, had treated me so differently, to how he was, with the rest of them!  Which, was always like he turned slightly horrible towards me!  As if he seemed really cross or mad for no reason!  Or even got so bloody moody with me for no apparent reason!  Not to say, that at times, he even asked me to go away from him!  While he carries on, being oh, so nice with all the other!  By allowing them to put their arms around him, in front of me with a little smirk on his face!  Which in some way, I thought, was so childish!  

Which at the time, was surely was what he was doing!  But whenever, he had treated me in that way, well that was the only time I had thought also, what’s going on with you, Matt?  As, well as, wondering why, are you like this, to me?  So, all in all!  That was the main reason of why I said really, that there was just sumat about Matt, that deep down in me knew or even had an idea-like, that he would probably already started something off in my life! Romantically!  Not forgetting, that I seemed to be always questioning myself of why did they really do this?  

 Because even though, I’ve never in my entire life had really felt like this for anybody! Have got to say, did now feel something was really happening to me?  Because I couldn’t explain of how I truly felt at the start, of how I was left feeling so confused!  And a little mixed-up for this guy!  Which was a little bit scary, because, it was later on, that I had kept thinking, what’s really happening to me?  Just what's happening to me?

 So, the main reason of why I thought, that there was just something about Matt that deep down inside of me knew vaguely like, that he would probably had already started something off in my so crazy blooming life!  And romantically-wise!  Which I did not expect it to happen!  Not forgetting, that I seemed to be always questioning myself about why did they do this to me?  As I’ve never in my life had ever felt like this for anyone!  But who I have got to say as now felt something was really starting to happen to me!  

 But because I couldn’t explain of really how I truly felt at the start, had left me feeling in some way, confused and mixed-up for the guy!  As, it was only later, that I had kept thinking about what’s really happening to you, Sandy?  And why did those idiots from work all seem to be acting in this way, towards me?  Which, as you know, was making me feel that they were all constantly playing with my emotions over Matt!  But most of all, why did all of them, wanted to act in this way, towards me and no one else?  As that’s what I would have liked to have known back then!  

 Anyway, getting straight back to that day that I had told myself that I think I needed to be cheered-up a bit!  Or if not!  Just try to take my mind of knowing that my darling, Matt, who I had now truly loved so very much, was working his very last day with us!  Because if I hadn’t gone straight over to see my friends from Wacky's that knew of how I truly felt for Matt!  Or even could have, had some pretty good idea of how I liked him in that way!  Would know in myself, that I would start crying in front of everybody that was around the Kingfisher Centre! 

 The only thing though, while now I was surrounded by them all, well no matter how they tried to cheer me up or take my mind of him, just still could not do so!  Because as I knew this was Matts last day of working with us, well I still felt that in any minute now, I was going to pour my eyes out with tears!  And if I can recall, this girl had felt it was harder for her to leave at the precise moment, while feeling like this!  

 As for my friends there, well, while one of them, Roxie had took me down to their staff-room to try and cheer me up, by who after making me a drink, saw I had a tear running down from my cheek!  But it was before, I had poured my heart out to her over how I really loved Matt so much!  That she, like the rest of them, afterwards, had noticed that by the look on my face, I was definitely hurting!  So, after putting her arm around my shoulder, to comfort me, she then noticed by now, that I was definitely crying over Matt so much!

 Only, when I eventually left them, I suddenly heard someone calling out my name “Sandy!  So, as I turned slowly!  I noticed it was one of the girl’s from work that was sorting the shoes out from the rack, near the entrance!   While looking at me as she once again, called my name over and over!  Asking me, “can you pop in for a moment?"  But, because of how I felt, couldn’t!  As that would mean, I would have to see him!  Matt!  Which would have started me crying again, in front of him!  

 And because I do see myself as being a true romantic at heart!  Well, what I’ve always believed is, if anyone such as myself that as discovered that they could be in love with someone!  But who thinks that if they will start crying in front of that certain person, because they may now not ever see them again!  Would not only be so wrong in feeling broken-hearted as I truly felt at the time!  But who wouldn't wanna allow them to see me in tears!

 Which basically, how I was feeling!  Like I was truly aching deep inside of me because of knowing how he was really leaving!  And what I’m about to tell you may sound silly to some!  But as I knew he was leaving for good, had made me feel like there was a huge big gap where my heart was!  In other words, leaving a huge hole where my heart is!  But if only I had that courage to go up to him then, and just try to ask him, "would you please reconsider of your decision for leaving us?"  Even though, it might be to late to tell Matt, I don’t want you to go, course, I love yeah!             

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