Wednesday 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 26


Chapter 26


                                                              AS WELL AS

                          TRYING TO BE CHEERED UP, BUT WHO COULDN'T




 Now, on this one day when Matt had came wondering into our work while he was with a girl!  A blonde girl! Well after asking Bobby, “what’s wrong?  Heard Bobby tell him, “Sandy's upset!  "Upset, because of knowing you’re leaving!  Which was true!  But who I didn't like to confess that I didn’t want to think about him leaving!  Really I didn’t!  Course, oh boy!  Did my feelings show up on the surface!  While at the same time, trying so hide from it!  Knowing that after Matt had his holiday!  He was gonna be leaving us!  

 The only thing, before he had left, he did have to work this one Saturday!  Which like I said, didn’t want to really think about!   Couse, otherwise, I would have cried all over again!  Even though, it was actually going to happen!  I know I would have!  Because I just didn't want to think of that day!  That day, that someone that now I truly loved so much, weren't ever going to be around no more!  As, for his leaving Party!  Well, who knows that went to it!  That’s if the guy had one!  May be he did!  May be, he didn't!  But as I made an excuse, while he was thereon this day, had cried out, from the front, “are you coming to my leaving Party Sandy?  Should have known full well, that what my answer would have been!  As, I replied, "I can't!

 So, instead, what I did was, while the guy was on his holiday, I got him a card!  A card so that when he would return, could give it to him!  The only thing was, part of me had felt because of how I was feeling for him, just couldn’t hand this card over to him!   And even though, this may have sounded strange to some!  Would be painful for me, knowing that now, was his very last day with us!  So, once again, while my darling, Matt was still on his holiday, I went into work to just hand this card over to Bobby, while she was with that fat baboon aka that Manager!  So, they could give it to him on my behalf when he does return!

 Though, when Matt had finally got back from his holiday, well before his last day of working on that Saturday, what happened was while I just went into one of the coffee shops to get myself a drink, called Esquires, well who did I notice coming around the corner?  But Matt!  My darling!  At first, I didn’t think it was him!  As, I thought it could have looked like him!  Which when I realised it was him, could only say, I was in shocked as well as, surprised!  Because of wondering why was that guy looking directly straight at me!  Me!  As, he had!  Course, while he had, he not only was walking straight towards the main Esquires Coffee Shop, but who was carrying on, looking at me!  While he was with some blonde girl, holding hands! 

 Until, when I tried to look more closer!   Had convinced myself, was this really Matt!  Or not!  That I notice or not!  While still waiting for my drink, from the corner of my eye!  Then, rather thinking it was somebody else!  But who once again, had wondered but why was this guy, giving me that certain look!  As, the more they got so closer, the more I had then noticed it was him was coming around the corner, with that girl!  But who just couldn't help turning their head slightly around, to still look directly at me!  Rather looking at that girl they were with!  

 He certainly was giving me the most lovely smile ever!  Which boy!  Did this girl sure liked!  The only difference was, this guy had a sun-tan!  A sun-tan which then, didn't think that Matt could have had a sun-tan from getting back from his holiday!  Because as long as I’ve known Matt, well any such holidays that he had, had never came back with a sun-tan, like that guy had!  Never!  Which, I weren’t sure about!  But when I had looked more and more closer to this guy now, well this guy had made me wondered was this Matt or not then!  Because of the way they both kept looking directly straight at me, well after noticing him with those dam brown eyes!  As, well as, there was just something about him that I couldn’t help thinking, 'is that you Matt?  'Well is it!  Because if so!  

 Well maybe Matt must have come back from his holidays!  So, when I had finally realised it was him for sure, still looking mind you, directly at me, with that "for god-saken" knock-out smile may I add!  Well like always, this girl just couldn’t help herself looking straight into those deep, dark, and captivating, mesmerising brown eyes of  his and going all shy!  Whilst he was walking further and further away, from where I was now!  But who I was still smiling to myself, while dreaming of him!  

 But thank god!  Thank god!  That the following day I had the day off!  And why, you may say! Well it was on this very day that it was Matts final day of working with us!  And boy!  All I felt was, why him though?  Tell me that!  Why did it have to be Matt that was leaving, then, anyone else!  Course, I was actually taking Matts last day bad!  As, I kept trying to tell myself, just try not to pass your work Sandy!  Just don't!  Because of just in case, if anyone had saw me passing!  As, well as, all those emotions that I was deeply hiding away, would surely to show up to the surface!  Because of feeling that I was losing someone that I loved so much now!  And I did!    

 But as for work-wise!  Well they all should have known already that even if I had accidently past, shouldn't have asked me to pop-in!  Because of knowing how I truly felt for him!  But oh no!  As, they didn't!  Course, I was certainly taking Matts last day bad!  And I do mean, bad!  My emotions was really showing up!  Even though, I had tried so desperately to hide it from how I felt for him!  Tears was really starting to reappear from my face!  Course of just thinking so much of losing him, Matt!  The person I really now loved!  But who knew I won't ever see again!  Because as I didn't know what these emotions, that I was feeling, had allowed him to go!  

 Well course I was taking this day bad I had decided to nip into Wackys to try and cheer myself up a little!  But while doing so, well some girl who was heeling down, sorting the shoe-rack, had noticed me strolling in!  And course all I needed was to talk to someone in Wackys to be cheered up!  Well this girl  cried out over to me, "hey!  "Sandy!  "can you pop-in!  As, Matt wants to see ya!  But because of knowing that on this day it was Matt’s last day, well all I felt was, no!  And he should know I couldn’t!  Not that it was only his last day!  But of how I truly felt for him! 

  As, I couldn't bare the thought, that after this day onwards, Matt, wasn't going to be with us anymore!  As this is the guy, that I first clapped eyes on, leaning against that big table, with his arms folded!  But who looked-like he was in a little world of his own!  Had felt I was so upset!  Upset!  Because of knowing I had truly fallen deeply and passionately in love with him!  Truly, I had!  I was now in love with Matt now!  But who sadly for me, had always seemed to show signs that he never liked me!  Sounds stupid!  I know!   But really he had!  He had showed signs that he didn't like me!  Why!  Well I had no idea, of why Matt had disliked me!  Because normally I do get along with guys, more then I had with girls!  So, really, what was so wrong with Matt for just simply liking me, as a person, then making-out he simply didn't!  

 But as I just didn't wanna allow myself to show that I was hurting deep inside!  Which I sure was, over Matt leaving!  Meant, I did felt that my heart was not in it to try and even make myself by popping into work on his last day, to say, "good Matt!  As, well as, adding,  "good-luck!  Course, something, deep down in me, just wouldn’t allow myself to just walk on into work when I was noticed!  But who had, while walking slowly with my head tilted down into Wackys course of my feelings!  Because of knowing straight away, that if I had!  And I do mean, if I had!  Then boy!  Something would have sure to happen!  And happen to me, in front of my "darling" Matt!  

 Being total romantically over him!  Which, I wouldn't wanted Matt to notice, if he had!  In case, he would either laugh at me!  As, he probably would have!  Or simply, just tell me "stop being so stupid Sandy for crying like a bloody baby!  As, I would have!  Really!  I would have cried, if I wondered in and saw him!  Possibly smiling away!  Course, of how he was now, leaving us!  My "darling" Matt would have said sumat to me!  So, instead, while I was up Town I had spent most of my time in Esquires because of just trying to not think about this saddest day of my life!  As, well as, of himself, that I tried not to think of!  And why!  Well, once again, it was how I was truly feeling!  Yes!  Feeling for him!  As, I just couldn’t now help myself for thinking of him so!  

 Because of wondering, 'if I didn’t go anyway near to my work, then maybe it might be a little easier for myself to carry on through this hardest day!  That I really, really tried to not think of!  But who I couldn’t because, what I was truly feeling had needed to be cheered up!  And cheered up badly!  Because the more I had thought of him, "my big brown eyes" Matt!  The more I really had thought, 'oh!  'Sandy!  'For god sake, don’t start crying now!  'Please!  'Just don't!  Course that would make it worst for me to really forget about how I won't ever see my darling, after this day is over!  

 So, as I wondered over slowly towards where my friends worked at, well the more I had, the more I really got upset for thinking, 'oh, Matt!  'Why did you have to leave?  'Hey!  'Just tell me that!  Because as I came wondering into Wackys, well I was sure they all knew!  Oh yes!  They had all knew!   As, well as, to cheer me up for knowing how I felt for Matt!  The only problem was, they were all working just opposite to my work!  Yes!  My work!  Which, now I couldn't avoid to go past!  So, for thinking of looking in and noticing there right in front, could have been him, Matt, my darling!  Well it was now going to be slightly harder for me if I had!  Course, of not working there after that day onwards! 

 But still!  As, this store was right directly opposite to my work, which I couldn't be helped in going in for needed to be cheered up!  And I do mean, I needed to be cheered up, like asap, well just before I went in, I couldn't help in placing my head slightly down!   And more so, as I got closer and closer, for in case, of trying not to gaze straight in!  Just in case, I had spotted him!  Him, that could have been around nearer to the front entrance!  Or where the till was!  While heading towards the Wackys with my head tilted downwards so those from work wouldn't notice I had past, but who was nearly in tears!  Course, really! I was trying to held back my tears, as I got closer to my work after I was asked, "Sandy! "Matt would like to see you!  

 But couldn't even do that!  Because first of all, knowing full well as I did, they all use to like to stick around together!  And I mean, they had all liked to stick together, like "creeps do!  And secondly!  Secondly, how they would probably like to say something to Matt, if they had saw me around!  Like, "Sandy, going straight into Wacky's!  Which, if he might have, wanted to see me!  Which, I’m not saying he had!  But if so!  Then, it would only be for thanking me for that card that I left with that measly, repulsive, stick-insect aka Bobby!  Course of being on holiday!  Course, I truly couldn’t imagine there could have been any other reason, of why, why Matt had wanted to see me for anything else!  Me!  That’s if he had liked me!

 Because the way Matt had used to act towards me!  Horrid and mean!  So, being the way, I am, had really imaged 'if only you would want to see me for sumat else, Matt!  Like surprising me, you had liked me!  Then, allowing those idiots or "morons" from work, acting like a compete and utter "Barstard!  Plus, you!  For at times acting like the horrify, hideous Mr Hyde from Jekyll and Hyde stories or mysterious!  But, knowing that Matt was not one of those nicer guys, that I would have loved to image of!  Like from how I had, in my early life had really remembered! 

 Course, of how I remembering how Matt was towards me!  Like acting like Mr Hyde!  Who after the character, "Doctor Jekyll" had slowly turned himself into his hideous, deformed other half, by going off more into the night!  Searching for his next victim!  Which, as you should know, what Hyde does, before he changes back to Dr Jekyll, for who could never really remember what happened!  Well with Matt!  He just shows his anger upon his face, like he was waiting to explode, to me!  Then, rather anyone else, may I add!  By swearing mostly to my face!  Yes!  That's right!  Swearing at me!  By saying the "f*** word!  But being a old fashion-romantic as I am, just couldn't do nothing to him!  Like giving him a piece of my mind!  

  As, I still so long to wish that is, 'if something!  Just something could really surprised me from him!  But the way he was!  Well, hell no!  I don't think I could ever see that from happening!  And I do mean, from happening from a guy, who had once behaved in away, wanted to act like the hideous "Mr Hyde" towards me!  No!  Which, was sad!  Because of knowing what he was like!  Course, these days now, all you would see is a lot of the guys and girls simply want one thing!  And one thing only!  Then, rather just knowing that certain someone at first!  And who knows!  Maybe even end up romantic-wise!  Which, may I add, is talking about myself!  Myself, of being an old-fashion romantic person!  And who would still love to await until that so-call person that I am still dreaming of so much, would hopefully, hopefully come out of his bloody shell!   

 Course, I'm still truly in love this person!  And have been since really he had left our old work-place that many years, back!  So, really I've loved Matt always and always!  But being a little older, well I would actually tell that person, to wake up!  I'm here!  If that is, you had liked me Matt!  Even though, shall I say, there was a few "obstacles, had got in the way," in maybe something could have happened between us!  But really couldn't, because Matt is now tied down!  Which, even though, I don't like guys, like that!  Will always love  Matt!  But who is more than, happy to always or dream about him, like, 'what if!  Just tell me that!  What if!  That in reality would love if he had felt the same as I do for him!  Which, was loving me!  Then, rather hating me!  

 But as for my old dream!  Yes!  My dream!  That I've always, imagined that 'what would have it been liked, if I did meet that certain "special someone" that would have been nice!  Nice as well as, shy over me!  Not forgetting, I'd always imaged, I wanted them to have nice eyes!  Nice smile!  Plus!  Plus, short, dark spiky hair, who would look slightly board!  Then, how I'm sadly to say, how I really saw Matt as!  Because oh brother!  As, Matt truly lost his nice appearance or what!  With that nice dark spiky hair, that he once had!  But I talk more of this in "Chapter 42!  

 But unfortunately, for me!  Even though, I may still think the world of Matt!  Which, couldn't be helped, course, of falling for him at then, before he left work, weren't my fault!  Because of him simply having such really dark, melting, mesmerizing, big brown eyes!  Plus!  As, I had thought, he had such a hell of a nice smile when at times he had smiled at my direction!  Oh, yes!  He really did!  Who I looked upon him as slightly board, then how I saw him now!  Which, I'm sorry to say, is looking-like a huge, fat but smelly rhinoceros!  Or even a pig after rolling in thick mud!  Course, of wondering once, if I came to falling in love with "whoever they maybe" as to be also, decent!  Then, rather allowing anyone simply "anyone," imagining I'm like that sort of person, that just loves to just play such a dirty, rotten, stinking game!  A game!  By actually, trapping that guy! 

 That I would still love to know, that what would have it been liked, if that is, something had went on between me and Matt back then!  Because of how strangely!  And I do mean, strangely, everyone from work could see something was going on between me and Matt!  Then, rather noticing that enormous, fat trollop of his, had kept playing a dirty game to trap him down!  Because, of possibly thinking to herself, that if they trapped Matt down, as they had done!  Wouldn't be able to allow Matt to lead his own life!  Which, I would never do to anyone, in my book!  That is!  If I had ever meet someone those many years ago, that would have liked me!  Me!  Before, all of them, from where I once worked had played upon my feelings over Matt!  

  Course, in my book!  I always say, let them, lead their own lives!  And if they really loved me!  Well who knows!  Maybe!  Just maybe!  They will come back!  Which, as always, been my wishful thinking 'if I had meet someone so nice!  Course of also, believing if they truly wanted something to happen between us both!  Or if not!  Well you just really need to allow them, to chose their own paths in their own lives!  Then, rather playing such a dirty game, by trapping that guy down that they could be with!   By getting themselves locked-up!  As, in pregnant!  Because, as I had a very bad experience as a young child!  And boy!  Did I!  Well in always wanting to have a child, as never in my whole life time wanted them!  Because I rather enjoy my life then, rather being tied down with having kids!  Or with anyone that as got kids!  Weather they are small or have grown-up!  No way!       

 As, for Matt though!  Yes!  You heard me right!  Matt!  Well once again!  Knowing Matt was not a really nice guy, as I had thought he was!  Because of how he once showed signs, towards only myself then, had wanted to act like a complete and utter "Barstard!  Or should I say, an "Ass-hole!  By changing his behaviour as well as attitude!   Like acting like that horrible character of "Mr Hyde" half of the time!   As, well as, knowing, Matt was just like any other fucking guys, that just wanted sex!  And only sex!   Then, really wanted to enjoy the other persons company!  Which I was actually, referring to myself, if he was that special someone that I had once upon a time dreamt of those many years, back!    

 As, for myself!  Well if you must know, all that I had wished for, is I'll be happy to just dream of him! Yes!  Dream, that what if Matt was a "genuine nicer guy" then, a guy who's truly horrid towards me!  And only me!  But knowing much how I've grown older and wiser now, shall I say, could never or maybe want to imagine something nice could have ever happened between us!  Because honesty!  Why, would I now!  As, I wouldn't wanted to know him if he was like, as he was those many years ago, when I really knew him through work!  Even though, I really was starting to have all those love feelings for him!  Because if you must know, it was like feeling I had been already affected!  Yes! That right!  Affected, course, by really keep on looking deeper and deeper into those eyes of his!  Whenever, that was Matt had also, glance in my direction!  Which, I had always dreamt if only you liked me, as you liked the others!  But no!  You don't!  Do you!  As, I know you don't like me!      

 But once again!  Course, Matt had seemed to liked to act like a complete and utter "Barstard!  And how was mostly mean, to me back then, like those other "Barstards!  That played upon my poor feelings!  So, I would end up falling in love with him, throughout, all those years!  Which, ever since then, my feelings for Matt had truly grown so much deeper and deeper!  Which, may sound wired to say!  Since of how I spoken of how he once was towards me!  Is still so very much in love with him!  And will be!  Forever!  And entirely!  Even though, he's no longer around here anymore!  I love Matt!  Course, maybe that was how I truly remembered, loving those times when I used to just gaze upon into those dam gorgeous, mesmerising, sexy brown eyes of his!  As, well as, knew how I'm truly felt for him!  Not to mention, how I so dreamt of wanting to whisper sweet nothings into his ear!   By saying, "oh, Matt do you know how I much I really love ya!  "Well do you!  "I love you!  And only you!  

 **But who once again, still couldn't imagine that loving a person like Matt, would ever come about it!  Because half of me, whenever I saw him now, "close up" then, as I did those many years back!  Like going into a shying mode!  And brother!  Did I!  Well can say now, probably won't  be able to make me go like that!  Even though, Matt was the only person, that had always managed to do that to me!  Then, anyone else!  Even though, it was so harder for me to hide my emotions half of the time then!  Will say, I will always, from this day onwards, love Matt forever!  Even though, the way he's turned out!  Course, loving somebody else, now, is out of the question for me!  Course, I was never like that!  Never!  Course, like I just said!  If that someone you, meaning me of course, had loved that person, but who don't love ya!  Or really have those same feelings, like I do, well for finding someone else, can't and won't ever do! 

 Because I really see myself as loyal to that one person, I had loved for an hell of a long time!  As, well as, knowing now that I'm in love, which I am!  knows that I'm not like that at all!  Because I will always love Matt!  Even though, he had always, dislikes me so much! 

**Even that is, looking for guy in my life!  Or wanting a guy!  Let alone!  Who's bloody desperate for find someone!  Like most girls around are mostly like these days!  Because, what I've always, believed and still do!  Is "if it happens, then, it will happen!  Not saying, like "your mine!  "And no one else's!  As, well as, believing!  And I do mean, believing, true love will take a hell of a long time to happen!  Then, rather like some pathetic girls, probably believe, if they met someone either, in pubs or clubs, like a one off!  Well something would happen straight away!   How pathetic is that!  Oh yes!  I've now got someone!  Course, of knowing someone out there, would probably think of only sex, then rather the real deal, if they had meet them! 

 Which, is allowing their lives to just wait until, possibly bumping into that special person!  Yes!  That special person, that they could have recognised them, that they wanna be with for the rest of their lives!  Which, my answer to that is what rubbish!  Or Crap!  As, my dream was, if I did eventually, meet that "Mr Right!  Which, I'm sadly to say, as all gone down the swami river now, because of all of them from where I had worked!  As well as, now, I can't see it because of  my age!  But, how I can not now, ever see that from ever  happening to me!  Course, it's not that I wanted to be with that someone!  But it's more to do with half of the guys, either, want sex!  Or that my old self really likes guys, that are available!  Then, rather someone who's married with a load of Baggage's!  Meaning, who would have kids, from when they were married! 

 Then, rather like I mentioned!   Of wanting to know the girl herself!  As, I'm not stupid!  A lot of girls, is just like that nowadays!  Which means, guys, just can't bloody control their bodily function, like Matt had!  And probably still is!  Which, shows he was not a very nice guy, from how I always wanted to imaged him to be like then!  As, like I've always, dreamt of meeting that someone!  That would be decent!  But nice and slightly shy!  Course, of really remembering that every single time those that actually knew him, from outer work as well as, myself had saw that idiot aka Matt had mostly wondered around here, in Redditch Kingfisher Centre with yet, a different bloody girl!  

 Before, hooking up with that humongous, huge, fat bimbo, that he did end up with!  Known to all of us though, as Matts fat trollop of a wifie that was always an "on and then off" none-existent relationship!  But if she weren't!  Well she might as well as been!  After playing a dirty, rotten game, so Matt wouldn't allow to lead his own live to decide what he wanted!  Or who may wants to be with eventually!  Because if I hadn't mentioned this!  Those outside work-wise had also, added, at times, "Matt doesn't seemed to know what he wants!  And I certainly do mean, that a lot of those from out of work and even from Wackys had said, and I quote, "Matt doesn't seemed to know what he truly wants!  Which, sounded like he needed to fully grow-up!  

 Course, who knows, maybe, it's just he didn't want to control his bodily function whenever he saw any blonde girls!  As, he just wanted to go around having bloody sex for fun!  Then, who really could have known someone that he could have truly meet and who could possibly liked him, for real then rather like those pathetic, immature girlies that each time we had saw him with!  But it was only Matt himself, that had it in his thick, huge, fat head that truly thought, he was in a real relationship with that humongous trollop at that time!  Which, all I will say to that is now, "ha! "ha! "ha! "ha!  To you Matt!  

 Course, as it was only Matt that had actually thought this!  And secondly!  I'm now so glad Kamas as gone straight back to him!  In other words, "kick his huge, fat butt to where the sun don't shine!  Hoping that some day he could realise that "huge, fat bimbo" that he had ended up with, had really played a huge, very dirty rotten game towards him, back then!  Because of how she had possibly thought yours truly, could have been after him!  Which, showed how must they had a bloody screw lose in their tiny Pea-Butt-Twisted Brain!  Which, I was referring to Matts fat, big trollop!    

 Yet, as for myself!  Well course, I'm a true believer!  Well, what I believed in, is if anyone can certainly still truly love someone so much, as I do!  And brother!  Do I still love Matt?  Well the answer to that will always, be yes!  Yes!  And yes!  As, well my love for him is forever and ever!  But who totally doesn't agree, like a lot of those around had!  Including both Matt and his enormous, huge, fat bimbo wifie had!  Or still do!  Probably thinks, 'oh you can meet anyone in pubs or clubs, as in an on and then, off to start a real relationship!  

Which, in my opinion, if one asks me that!   Is it's full of "bull-shite!   Course, what I've always believed in is, if you wanna meet someone!  And someone as in that very "special someone" like a soul-mate, well it would take a hell of a long time to start!  Not just meet them once, then saying to yourselves 'I'm now in a relationship!  Course, that just shows they don't know zilch in wanting to meet whoever they wanna be with!  But as I'm a real  dreamer just dreaming away, of 'what if it came to me!  Me!  Of having a companion-ship or even a partnership, in the life!  But in a most very passionate, romantic way!  That would last for entirely!   

 As I'm not like what you would call a "huge, fat fucking Bimbo" or even "a tart!  That just simply like to go around with just anyone for just having sex!  Like as you know, Matts fat trollop had done by playing a dirty, rotten game!  By getting her huge, humungous, fat blob, of a body up the flaming dove!  Just so, poor Matt, couldn't live his own life!  Or do his own things if he had waned to!  But who, while they were with him, beforehand, this so-call fat fresh of a "Bimbo" as she truly is, could truly see them as!  Was always going around with Matt as an on off relationship over and over, again and again! 

 Which, as you would say, is not a proper relationship!  Not like you would have, when I would say, you would truly love someone like I still do over Matt!  For once again, it's been now fifteen years, since I loved him!  That's right!  Loved Matt!  But as you know, course of knowing Matt and that fat trollop as now got loads of sex-objects, from when she just wanted to keep playing a dirty rotten game by telling Matt, "I'm once again, up the dove!  So, he was again, trapped!  With no life of his own!  That, that fat, miserable, but twisted, humongous, trollop, really must probably thought, as well as, probably say to themselves, in their tiny, but Pea-Butt- twisted brain, what me and Matt have is a real relationship!  

 Which I'm sure, if anyone whose not so bloody stupid!  Would maybe agree, with me for how these two had liked to operate!  I mean, by going around together like, for simply only having sex and more bloody sex!  Then, simply waiting for the real thing to spark up of meeting that someone, with those true feelings that would last for entirety!  Because, those two was always, in an on off relationship!  

 Then, how mostly of our generation!  Or of how the elderly would have met their partners!  Which, I was referring once again, it really does take a hell of a long time for meeting your true love!  Speaking also, for myself!   That is!  Course, if any fellas, out there wouldn't like me as I am, well what I would say is, "tuff shit!  Course, If no one would like me, well I'm not one, that would apologise for how I was brought up!  Or even believing in how true love should be!  

 Course, like how I mentioned!  I see myself as a "truly, old-fashioned romantic!  That just like to simply imagine or dream shall I say!  What could have happened if there was a truly a nice guy, those many years ago, before I met Matt!  My darling, Matt!  Well just what if?  As, I'm still imagining to this day onwards, that what's it like to be kiss!  Yes! kiss!  Course, I never in my entirely life had been kiss!  As, well as, imaging, what would it be liked to be embraced!  So, very passionately though!  Like I probably had once dreamt about Matt!  But who this girl had simply been looking for in a guy, if one would existed for me that is!  But who now, don't ever think 'that would ever happen!  Because of now, still feeling like I'm very much so, madly in love with Matt who had allowed him to go!  But who could only see Matt as my "invisible Man!  Yes!  That's right!  My invisible man, who had loved dreaming, what if he had reappeared, but reappear, by trying to hide himself whenever he sees me!  If that is, he was around somewhere!  Which, is fine in my book!  

 Only, that was the problem with Matt, I think!  Course, way back then, between 2006 and 2007, but more in 2007 I was sure Matt wasn't any different to all those other guys!  As, in those guys, that only was after one thing!  Then, rather wanting to know someone, such as like myself  who may I say, had only wanted to know Matt as just a friend!   A friend, when I first meet him!  But who just didn't want to know me!  Course, of secondly!  How those horrible "Barstards," that worked where I worked, had made it so flaming awkward for me to be a friend with Matt!  There again, Matt, didn't help either, because of times, how he joined in with them all!   

 *But, for saying that!  As, he had sometimes really wanted to act very nasty with me, well personally, just couldn't do or say anything to him!  Even thought, I wanted to!  I couldn't!  Because all I had to do, was look deep into those gorgeous, melting mesmerising, brown eyes and boom!  Wham-bam thank you mam!  This girl, goes all weak in her knees and even feeling a little light headed!  Or simply tell him, where to get off!  Course, of this girl was still very vulnerable and a little shy, possibly, weak!  Because of how I was truly feeling for him!  Meaning, that how I ended up in love with Matt, my darling, so much!  But I'm not just anyone, that would say to any guys, "I want you!  Or!  "Your mine!  Like how a lot of paretic girls, out there, nowadays, think!  Then, someone like myself, who doesn't! 

 But who, those out there now, would just like to play a dirty game half of the time, with whoever they maybe with!  By telling the guy, that they maybe with, "haha!  "Look, now!  "I'm pregnant!  "So, you're mine and no one can have yeah!  As well as, probably even saying to themselves, "I've now got you trap!  "Course now, you have got responsibilities and you can't leave me!  Like how Matts other half had gone and truly done to him, way back then!  Because of how they actually thought, I aka Sandy or even possibly anyone else, was interested in Matt!  

 Which, I don't think that was right at all to do!  Course, if I was younger, or even now, for that matter well firstly, would never play a dirty rotten game to trap a guy down!  So, they could never think for themselves!  Or even carry on with their own lives to see what they truly want for themselves!  But there again, as for my old dream!  A dream, that if it would ever come true for me of meeting that special person would now, never happen!  Because I've always believed in those sort of feelings for anyone, would last for entirely if I had ever meet them, when O was younger!  Then rather one minute, of saying, to that person, "I want to be with you!  Then, shortly after, telling them, "I don't wanna be with you anymore!   

 Which, once again, was just how Matt and his so-called wifie had acted then!  When they were around together-wise, before she had decided to fuck his live away!  By getting her huge, humongous, fat, blob of a body, pregnant!  From not true love though!  As, we all "besides of course, those, fucking wankers!  Or those "idiots" from where I once had worked with Matt!  Because there were a lot that knew how Matt and her were truly like, while they together!  As, well as, how they all knew their stupid none existent relationship wasn't actually, from real thing!  Course some had told me that "he probably doesn't even know that what the hell he wants!  Because as it was always, "an on, off going relationship" again!  And this was all because of not allowing Matt to ever live his life and make his own mistakes!  

 Which, getting back of saying that if I had or could ever see myself of meeting that someone which I now, I know I can't ever see that for ever happing to me!  Because for what all those pathetic idiots, from my old work had all played with my feelings once again!  Which, I know that they had!  As, I know that if they hadn't wouldn't have probably grown into caring for Matt, as I did then!  As, well as, ending up falling in love with Matt himself!  Let alone, that while I was still there, most of those "Barstards" including some my friends from Wackys, had kept telling me, "that how they could definitely see that there was something going on, between both of us!  Which I couldn't see! 

 Because of how at times, while Matt was still there or not, had treated me so differently, to how he was with the rest of the others!  Which, was always, like he turned slightly horrible towards me!  As if he seemed really cross or mad for no reason with me!  Or even got so bloody moody, for no apparent reason!  Not to say, that at times, Matt even asked me, "go away from me!  While he carried on being oh, so nice with all the rest of the other member of staff!  By allowing them, to put their arms around him, in front of me, while he had a little smirk on his face!  Which in some ways, I had thought, you're so childish Matt!  

 Which, at the time was surely was what he was doing!  But whenever he had treated me in that way, well that was the only time I had thought also, 'what’s going on with you, Matt?  As, well as, wondering why are you like this, to me!  So, all in all!  That was the main reason, of why I had said that there was just sumat about Matt, that deep down, knew or even had an idea-like, that he would probably started something off in my life!  And could I say in a romantic way!  Course, of always, questioning myself of why did they really do this to me!  Because even though, I’ve never in my entire life had really felt like this for anybody, have got to say now, something had felt was really happening to me!  Because I couldn’t explain of how I truly had felt at the start!  As, it seemed they had left my feeling so confused and a little mixed-up for Matt!  Which was a little bit scary, because, it was later on, that I had kept on thinking, 'what’s really happening to me!  

 So, the main reason of why I thought, that there was just something about Matt that deep down inside of me knew vaguely like, that he would probably had already started something off in my so crazy blooming life!  And romantically-wise!  Which I did not expect it to happen!  Not forgetting, that I seemed to be always questioning myself about why did they do this to me!  Why!  As I’ve never in my life had ever felt like this for anyone!  But who I have got to say, as now felt something was really starting to happen to me for Matt!  

 But because I couldn’t explain of how I truly felt at the start, had left me feeling in some ways, confused and mixed-up for Matt!  As, it was only later, that I had kept thinking about 'what’s really happening to you, Sandy?  And why did those idiots from work all seemed to be acting in this way, towards me!  Which, as you know, was making me feel that they were all constantly playing with my emotions over Matt!  But most of all, why did all of them, wanted to act in this way, towards me and no one else?  As that’s what I would have liked to have known back then!  

 Anyway, getting straight back to that day that I had told myself that I think 'I needed to be cheered-up a bit!  Or if not!  Just try to take my mind of knowing that my "darling" Matt, who I had now truly loved so very much, was working his last day with us!  Because if I hadn’t gone straight over to see my friends from Wacky's that knew of how I truly felt for Matt!  Or even could have had some pretty good idea, of how I was feeling for him in that way, would know in myself, that I would start crying in front of everybody that was around the Kingfisher Centre!   

 The only thing though, while now I was surrounded by them all, was no matter how they tried to cheer me up or take my mind of Matt, just still couldn't do achieve on helping me!   Because as I knew this was Matts last day of working with us!  Yes!  His last day, that I personally, just couldn't help in forgetting it!  But only thinking of him and how I would never see him ever again!  Course, I still felt that in any minute now, I was going to pour my eyes out with tears!  And if I can recall, this girl had felt it was harder for her to leave at the precise moment, while feeling like this!  

  As, for my friends there!  Well while one of them, Roxie had took me down to their staff-room to try and cheer me up, by who after making me a drink, saw straight away, I had a tear running down from my cheek!  But this, was before I had poured my heart out to her over how I really loved Matt so much!  And honestly, I did!  I had told Roxie how much I was in love with Matt!  That she, like the rest of them, afterwards had noticed that by the look on my face, I was definitely hurting!  So, after putting her arm around my shoulder, to comfort me, she then noticed by now, that I was definitely crying over Matt so much!

  *Only, when I eventually left them, I suddenly heard someone calling out my name “Sandy!  So, as I turned slowly!  I noticed it was one of the girl’s from work that was sorting the shoes out from the rack, near the entrance!   While looking at me as she once again, called my name over and over!  Asking me, “can you pop in for a moment!  But, because of how I felt, couldn’t!  As that would mean, I would have to see him!  Matt!  Which would have started me crying over again, in front of him this time!  And because I do see myself as being a true romantic at heart!  Well, what I’ve always believed is, if anyone "like myself " that is now, definitely in love alright!  And still very much so, with Matt!  But who thinks that if they will start crying in front of that certain person, because they may now not ever see them again!  Would not only be so wrong in feeling broken-hearted!   *As, I truly felt at the time!  But who wouldn't wanna allow them to see me in tears!

 Which, basically, how I was feeling!  Like I was truly aching deep inside of me because of knowing how he was really leaving!  And what I’m about to tell you may sound silly to some!  But as I knew he was leaving for good, had made me feel like there was a huge big gap where my heart was!  In other words, leaving a huge hole where my heart is!  But if only I had that courage to go up to him then, and just try to ask him, "would you please reconsider of your decision for leaving us?"  Even though, it might be to late to tell Matt, I don’t want you to go, course, I love yeah!             

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