Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 26

 



Chapter 26


HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU

                                                              AS WELL AS

                          TRYING TO BE CHEERED UP, BUT WHO COULDN'T

     COURSE OF KNOWING IT WAS MATT'S FINAL 

                                                                      DAY!

 

 Now, let’s get back to when Matt had came wondering into work that day to find out from Bobby after asking, “what’s wrong?"  Because no sooner then he had, Bobby said, “Sandy's upset!  Upset, because of knowing you’re leaving!  Which was true!  But who I didn't like to confess that I didn’t want to think about him leaving!  Really I didn’t!  Course, oh boy!  Did my feelings show up to the surface?  While at the same time, trying so hide from those around work!

 Especially, knowing that after Matt had his holiday!  Which he was leaving shortly after that!  The only thing, he did have to work that following Saturday, before leaving us!  Which like I said, didn’t want to really think about!   Couse, otherwise, I would have cried all over again!  Even though, it was actually going to happen!  I know I would have!  Because I just didn't want to think of that day!  That day, that someone that I loved weren't ever going to be around no more!  As for his leaving Party!  Well, who knows that went to it?  That’s if the guy had one?  Maybe he did!  Maybe, he didn't!  But as I made an excuse up, when he asked me, “are you coming to my leaving Party Sandy?"  Should have known full well, that what my answer would have been!  As I replied, "I can't!

 So, instead, what I did was, while the guy was on his holiday, I got him a card!  So that when he would return, could give it to him!  The only thing was, part of me had felt because of how I was feeling for him, just couldn’t hand this card over to him!   And even though, this may have sounded strange to some!  Well, it's just it would have been to painful for me, knowing that now, was his very last day with us!  So, once again, while my darling, Matt was still on his holiday, I went into work to just hand this card over to Bobby!  Along with that fat baboon aka that Manager!  So, they could give it to him, on my behalf!  When he does return!

 Though, when Matt had finally got back from his holiday well, before his last day of working that Saturday, what happened was!  While I just went into one of the coffee shops to get myself a drink, called Esquires, well who did I notice coming around the corner of a shop?  But Matt!  My darling!  At first, I didn’t think it was him!  As I thought it could have looked like him!  Which when I had realised it was, could only say, I was in total surprised!   Because of wondering why was that guy looking directly straight at me!   As he had!  Course, while he had, he not only was walking straight towards the main Esquires Coffee Shop!  But who was carrying on, looking at m!  While he was with some girl, holding hands! 

 Until, when I tried to look more closer!  As, I convinced myself at first, that was this really Matt!  Or not!  That I notice or not?  While still waiting for my drink, from the corner of my eye!  Then, rather thinking it was somebody else!  But who, once again, had wondered to myself, but, why was this guy, giving me that certain look?  Because, the more they got closer and closer, the more I had noticed he was now coming around the corner, with that girl!  But who just couldn't help turning their head slightly around, to still look directly at me!  Rather looking at that girl he was with!  He certainly was giving me the most lovely smile ever!  Which I boy!  Did this girl like!  Only, this guy had a sun-tan, that had sort have confused me, just a tiny bit!  Because as long as I’ve known Matt, well any such holidays that he had, well, he had never came back with a sun-tan, like that guy had!  Never!  Which, I weren’t sure about! 

 Only, when I had looked more and more closer to this guy, this guy that I had wondered was this Matt or not?  Because of the way they kept looking directly straight at me! Well as, there was just something about him that I couldn’t help thinking, is that you Matt?  But Wondered, if that was Matt, then maybe he must have come back from his holidays!  So, when I had finally realised it was him for sure, still looking directly at me, with that for god-saken knock-out sexy smile!  Well like always, this girl just couldn’t help herself looking straight into those deep, dark, captivating, mesmerising brown eyes of  his!  I was going all shy!  Whilst he was walking further and further away from where I was now!  But who I was still smiling to myself, while dreaming of him!  

 Now, thank god!  That the following day, I didn't allow work would put me down!  By asking myself, just don't come in!  As, I had a day off!  But who was sure that they probably already knew that I wouldn’t!  Even if they had, asked me "can you come in to help us out!  Because of knowing that on this day it was Matt’s last day with us!  Course, for me, I just felt that I couldn’t bare the thought that after this day onwards, Matt, wasn't going to be with us anymore!  As this is the guy, that I first clapped eyes on, leaning against that big table, with his arms folded!  

 But who looked-like he was in a little world of his own!  Felt I was in fact, so upset!  Because of knowing, I had truly, fallen, deeply and passionately in love with him!  But who showed signs, that he never liked me!  Sound stupid!  I know!   But who really did show signs that he didn't like me!  Why?  Well, I had know idea!  Only, that who I just didn't want to allow myself to show that I was hurting deep inside!  Course, boy!  Was this girl hurting so much, over Matt then! 

 Which meant, I felt that my heart was not in it, to try and even make myself, by popping into work on that day, to say, "good Matt!  "And good-luck!  Course, something, deep down, just wouldn’t allow myself to just walk into work!  Because of knowing straight away, that if I had!  And I do mean, if I had! Then boy!  Something would have sure to happen and happen, to me in front of my darling Matt!  Being  total romantically!  

 Which, I wouldn't wanted Matt to notice, if he had, in case he would either laugh at me!  Or simply, just tell me, "stop being so stupid Sandy for crying!  As I would have!  If I wondered in and saw him!  Possibly smiling away!  Course, of now he was leaving us!  So, instead, I while I was up Town, had spent most of my time in Esquires!  Because of just trying to not think about this is the saddest day of my life!  As well as, of himself, that I tried not to think of even more so!  

 And why?  Well, once again it was how I was truly feeling!  As, I just couldn’t help myself for thinking of him!  Why!  I even thought at first, that if I didn’t go anyway near to my work, then maybe, just maybe, it might be easier for me to carry on through this hardest and upsetting day!  That I didn’t want to really think of!  But who I couldn’t even do that either! 

Because, as I was truly feeling, had thought I really needed to be cheered up!  And cheered up badly!  Because the more I was thinking of him, my brown eyes aka Matt!  The more I thought, oh!  Sandy!  For god sake, don’t start crying now!  Please!  Just don't!  So, as I went over to see all the guys, that I can honestly say, knew of how they would cheer me up!  No doubt about! as well as, they had knew of how I really felt for Matt deeply!  

 The only problem was, they were all working opposite to my work!  Which was going to be slightly harder for me!  Course, as I didn't want to go anywhere near to my work, well, like I said, this store was right directly to my work!  Called, Wackys!   But, as I wanted to be cheered up, through this saddest day, I had to see them!  But the more I got closer and closer, the more I said to myself, I just tried not to look straight in!  Just in case, I saw him, standing around nearer to the front!  Which, I was referring to My darling, Matt!

 As well as, hoping while I was heading towards their shop, that the guys from my work would not see me walking with her head slightly down!  Course, of trying to held back her tears, as I got closer to work!  Because first of all knowing full well, as I did, they all use to like to stick together!  And secondly, how they would probably say something to Matt!  If anyone did happen to see me!  Sandy, going straight into Wacky's!  

 *Which, if he might have wanted to see me, which I’m not saying he had! but if so, then it would only be for thanking me for the card that I left with them, while he was on holiday.  Course, I truly couldn’t imagine that there could have been another reason, of why Matt had wanted to see me, that’s if he had, to imagine he wanted to really be nice at me by just saying something else without the others around. 

But, reminding myself, Matt was not one of those nice guys, that at one point, in my early life, had imaged!  Course, of how I truly remembered, how he at times, had truly acted like "Hyde" with what that looked-like a bloody angry like, waiting to explode at only myself, and only myself, by a lot of the times, swearing at my face!  But, being a old fashion-romantic, as I am, had still so long to wish that something surprisingly, could have happened to me, from Matt, but, I wasn't hoping in a romantic way, course of the way, I knew straight away of what he was like.  And as for these days now, guys and girls, just want one bloody thing, and one thing only.  Which I'm certainly not like that at all!  

 

 As my old dream, was always, always imagining, what would it be like, if  I ever did meet that certain someone that is so nice, shy, with a lovely smile, but who's definitely so decent, that would like me for who I am, than just thinking of one bloody thing.  Which, knowing Matt as I did then, could see he was most definitely not like that, as he was like all the rest of those sex mad guys.  Even though, I know now, for a fact, nothing so nice could ever happen to yours truly, "Sandy."  Because, of how those flaming Bastards had then, played upon my feelings, over Matt, who being the way I am, will forever love, no matter what!  So, loving someone else now, is for me out of the question, course, I just can't see I can love another now!  

* For I’m not that sort of person, "who is looking for guy" or "even wanting a fella," let alone, whose "bloody disrupt, for one," like I'm sure now, a lot of those girls around are like.  Because, what I've always believed was, "if it happens, then it will happen!  As well as believing in, "true love does take a hell of a long time to happen, not if I met someone, then something would happen straight away, which I 'm certainly not course, these days, they say if one don't have sex, then it's not true love!  

 Which, my answer to that is "what rubbish!  Or Crap, that is."  As, my dream was, if I did eventually meet Mr. Right, which I'm sadly to say, as all gone down the swami river now, can't ever see that forever happening.  Course, of not wanting to be with anyone, that if they only want Sex! Sex!  And only bloody Sex!  Which, I'm not stupid, a lot is a like nowadays!  Which means, these days guys, just can't bloody control their bodily function, as like Matt had, way back then, which showed to me, he was not a very nice guy, or even like how I always dreamt of meeting!

Course, of remembering that every single time, those that actually knew him, from outer work as well as, times myself, saw the idiot of wondering around here in Redditch, with yet, a different bloody girl, before hooking up with that "humongous, Fat Bimbo," that he did end up with.  But whom, way back then, was always going out with an, on and then off, none-existent relationship, which everyone called a joke.  Or just saying, "that it was only him, that just doesn't know what he wants!  Which, sounded like he needed to fully grow-up then, just acting like he had, by can't control their bodily function and just go around having sex for fun!  

 But it was only that idiot, Matt had it in his thick, enormous, huge fat head that truly thought, he was in a real relationship!  Which, all I will say to that is now, "ha! "ha to you Matt!  Course, as it was only Matt that had actually thought this well, secondly, "I'm now glad Kamas as gone straight back!  "In other words, probably, kick his huge butt, to where the sun don't shine," hoping he some day had realised "but, who can't see that, that huge "Fat Bimbo," that who he ended up with, had certainly played a very dirty Game over him, back then, because of how they thought, yours truly, was after him!  Which, showed they must have had a screw bloody lose in their "Pea-Butt-Twisted Brain!   

  Yet, as for myself, well course, I'm a true believer!  And I do mean, this girl is a true believer!  Well, what I believe is, anyone can certainly still truly love someone so much, as I probably still do now and forever, for Matt.  But who without thinking, like a lot of those around those days, including both of them had then, or still do, "but if you love someone, you must have sex!  Which, I totally have to disagree!  In other words, "what total rubbish!  Course really,  as, I'm dreamer, dreaming, of what if it came to me of having a companion-ship or even a partnership, in the future, but in a most very passionate, romantic way, that would last for entirely, without bloody sex, could it ever happen now?  Which, once again to that answer is, "No!  I can't see it happening!   

 Course, I'm totally not like those, what you would call a "Fat fucking Bimbo" or "Tart," that just simply like to go around with just anyone, but in a "on, off" ridiculous and most stupid relationship, as like Matt and his other half now have got with their loads of "Sex-Objects."  Which is that huge, Fat, miserable, twisted, humongous, Bimbo, who really does think as well as probably say to themselves, in their tiny but, "Pea-Butt- twisted Brian" that we would call inside of their dinky heads," "but what we got, is a real relationship!  

 Which I'm sure, if anyone whose not so bloody stupid, would agree, as I still do!  If they knew what I mean, about how these two had liked to operate, by going out for only sex, sex and more bloody sex, but in an on off relationship?  Because, speaking for myself, well, if any fellas out there, don’t like the way I am, if they ever met "Sandy" well, really what I've got to say is, "tuff shit to all of you guys," "because, I'm not one who would apologise for how I was brought up or even believing how true love is!  

 Course, like I mention, I see myself, as a "truly, old-fashion, romantic that just like to imagine or dream, "what could have happened, if there was a truly a nice guy, those many years ago, before I met Matt, "just what if?  As this may sound silly now, but I'm still imagining what's it's like to be flaming kiss?  Course, I never been kiss, as well as, imaging, what would it be truly like, to be embrace so passionately, course, that was all basically, what this girl, simply was looking for in a guy! 

 Only, that was the problem with Matt, I think?  Course, way back then, between 2006 and 2007, but more so, in 2007, I was sure Matt wasn't any different to all those other guys, that only after one bloody thing, then, rather wanting to know someone nice, such as myself.   Who may I say, had wanted to know him as just a friend!  But who couldn't, course, of  secondly, how those horrible Barstards, that worked where I worked, made it so flaming awkward for yours truly, to be a friend with Matt.  There again, Matt, didn't help, course, at times, he joined in with them.   

 But, for saying all this, anything bad or doing anything, like telling Matt where to go, if I  were still "vulnerable" or "weak" then I know that this girl could probably not, because, of how I was truly starting to feel for the guy.  Meaning, that I ended up in love him so much.   For I'm not anyone that if it won't for being in love now, wouldn't say to any guys, "I want you!  "Or your mine!  Like how once again, all those flaming, "Slappers," "Bimbos" or even "Tarts," that does unfortunately, exist around nowadays, 

 Then, someone like myself, course, of whom, they just like to play a dirty game with whoever they maybe with, by telling the guy, "well, ha! "ha!  "Look, now, I'm pregnant, you can't like anyone else, course, you're mine."  As well as, probably even saying, "I've now got you trap."  "And trap you, I have," "course, now, you have got responsibilities and so you can't leave me!  

 Because as for myself, well, as I’ve never had those sort feelings for anyone before, well if saying if it weren’t for all those pathetic idiots, from work of playing with my feelings, which I sure they had, well I wouldn’t have probably grown in to caring for him first, before, ending up in love with Matt!  Let alone, that while I was still there, most of them, including my friends from outer work, had kept telling me, that there was something going on, between the two of you.  Which I couldn't see! 

 Because of how at times, while Matt was still there or not, had treated me so differently, to how he was, with the rest of them.  Which, was always like to he turned slightly horrible towards me, like he seemed really cross for no reason, or even got moody at me for no reason.  Not to say, that at times, he even ask me to go away from him, while he carries on, being oh, so nice to the others, by allowing them to put their arms around him, in front of me with a little smirk on his face.  Which at the time, was sure of what he was doing.  But whenever, he had treated me in that way, well that was the only time I had thought also, what’s going on with you, Matt?  As, well as, wondering, why, are you like this, to me?    

 So, all in all, that was the main reason of why I said really, that there was just something about Matt that deep down in me knew or even had an idea-like, that he would probably or already had started something off in my life, romantically!  Not forgetting that I seemed to be always questioning myself of why did they really do this?  

 Because even though, I’ve never in my entire life had really felt like this for anyone, have got to say, “did now feel something was really happening to me!  But because I couldn’t explain of how I truly felt at the start, had left me feeling so confused and a little mixed-up for this guy.  Which was a little bit scary, because, it was later, that I had kept thinking about, what’s really happening to me?  Just what's happening to me?

 So, the main reason of why I thought, that there was just something about Matt that deep down inside of me knew or even had vaguely an idea-like, that he would probably had already started something off in my so crazy blooming life, romantically-wise, which I did not expect it to happen.  Not forgetting, that I seemed to be always questioning myself about why did they do this to me?  As I’ve never in my life had ever felt like this for anyone, but have got to say did now feel something was really starting to happen to me!  

 But because I couldn’t explain of really how I truly felt at the start, had left me truly feeling so confused and mixed-up for the guy.  As, it was later that I had kept thinking about what’s really happening to you, Sandy?  And why did they all seem to be acting in this way, towards me?  Which, as you know was making me feel that they were all constantly playing with my feelings over Matt.  But most of all, why did all of them from work be really so horrible towards me and no one else?  As that’s what I would have liked to have known!  

 

 Anyway, getting straight back to that day that I had told myself that I think I needed to be cheered-up a bit or if not, just try to take my mind of knowing that Matt, who I had now truly loved so very much, was working his very last day with us.  Because if I hadn’t gone over to see my friends from Wacky's that who I believed, had knew of how I truly felt for Matt, or even could have, had some pretty good idea of how I liked him in that way, would know myself, that I would definitely start crying in front of everyone that was around me, in the Kingfisher Centre. 

 The only thing though, while now I was surrounded by them all, well no matter how they tried to cheer me up or take my mind of him, just still could not do so, because as long as I knew this was his very last day of Matt working with us, that I still felt, in any minute now, I was certainly going to cry!  And if I can recall, this girl so much, felt it was harder for her to leave at that precise moment, while I feeling like this.  

 As for my friends there, well, while one of them, Roxie had took me down to their staff-room to try and cheer me up, by who after making me a drink, saw I had a tear running down from my cheek, but it was before, I had poured my heart out to her over how I really love Matt so much, that she, like the rest afterwards, had noticed that by the look on my face, I was definitely hurting.  So, after putting her arm around my shoulder, to comfort me she then noticed by now, that I was definitely crying over Matt so much.

 *Only, when I eventually left them, I suddenly heard someone calling out my name “Sandy.”  So, as I turned slowly, noticed it was one of the girl’s from work that was sorting the shoes out from the rack, near the entrance.   As she was looking at me again, calling out my name over and over, asking me, “can you pop in for a moment?"  But because of how I felt, couldn’t!  As that would mean, I would definitely have to see him, Matt, which really I would start pouring my heart yet again, in front of him.  

 And because I do see myself as being a true romantic at heart, well what I’ve always believed is if anyone such as myself that as discovered that they could be in love with someone but who will think that if they will start crying in front of that certain person because they may now not ever see them again, would not only be so wrong to do but, who may also, leave them feeling broken-hearted as I truly felt.

 Which basically, how I was feeling, like I was truly aching deep inside of me because of knowing how he was really leaving.  And what I’m about to tell you may sound silly to some, but as I knew he was leaving for good now, had made me feel like there was a huge big gap of where my heart was, leaving a huge hole in me.  But if only I had that courage to go up to him then, and just try to ask him, "would you please reconsider of your decision for leaving us?"  Even though, it might be to late to ask him, I just really didn’t want Matt to go!             

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