Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 28



Chapter 28


                                                                        THE TIME 

                                          I COULD HAVE REALLY NEEDED

                                                      MATT TO COMFORT ME! 

                             DUE, TO KNOWING I'M GOING TO BE LOSING 

                                                                MY DAD


 Only, shortly after Matt had left I had found out that my dad who I really loved so very much and who I was so very close to was sadly diagnose as having Cancer which had not only left me feeling more upset then I already was because I really did love my dad but who I also felt that after my dad had die that my life now didn’t seemed to be worth living any more.  Which, to some may just sound terrible or even awful to say about one-self but let me tell you, if anyone like myself, who was so very close to their dad that died suddenly well just wouldn’t be so surprised how they may feel the same.  As I thought of losing one person that I love was bad enough, but for losing two, that I loved in some respect, as the only difference between Matt and my dad, was Matt just left work whereas for my beloved dad had sadly died which I truly felt twice as worst then I already had for Matt!

 Because after my dad died, I didn’t felt that I was now loved or cared from the rest of my family, which wasn’t surprising, since they are really a nasty bunch, when they want to be!  “Oh!  They may act like they really cared for me, but saying that, I can reassure you that when they seemed alright, well, oh boy!  Can they certainly change!  Like for instance, after my dad died, I really had felt so alone because it was only my dad and my dad only, that showed me he truly loved me, as well as, giving me affection that a lot of parents do for their child.  But which once again, of how I was already so very upset and hurting from Matt’s departure don’t forget!  And because of how I was feeling for Matt then still can’t believe that after he left, this girl, "meaning myself," had really cried deeply, over Matt, for two and a half years, because  I of how I was truly missing him so much!  I mean for every time I thought of him had constantly made me cry.  So, that must have showed that I how much I loved the guy. 

 Only, when they decided to do this to me, well, again I was so sure of what they didn’t realised was how they had probably was messing with me even though back then I was blind to notice, of what they were doing to me, not forgetting, weak because I didn’t stick up for myself like I had later on!  So, really what those Barstards had done was, messed with the wrong person, because let’s say, “I’ve got my head screwed on.”  Meaning, that  I wasn't stupid, course of thinking, I had more common sense then the rest of those girls, those days, put together!

 Course, how I look at it, being a Woman now, those days, a lot of girls either first think of one thing and one thing only, like guys do!  Or most girls would just simply mock, of how us, Women, had all grew-up and believed in, course, if one stupid girl sees another, going around with a bloody baby, well, they always seemed to think, “I want to have a baby!  Or have a baby to get money of the Government, so that they could probably get themselves a place!  Or just simply think to themselves, if one gets pregnant, well, they could trap the guy that they could be with, by either thinking to themselves, or saying, "ha! "ha!  Now, you can’t leave me!  

Which, as you know, could not call, isn't a proper true, relationship, but, once again, some  nasty creature, as in girls, these days, would decide to play a dirty game with some poor guys life, so that they won't ever be able to leave their own life!  Thinking to themselves, that if one gets themselves "locked-up" as in get themselves pregnant, for the sake, that the guy can't certainly leave them, for sure!  For in my opinion, I don’t think they have any idea, what so ever, that having a baby, would simply take over their lives.  As, some reckons they can still honestly enjoy themselves like someone who’s never had kids or either want them!  Because, having a child would take up so much responsibility for both, whether they could be married or not! 

 Which, if you as me isn’t what you or anyone in their right mind would call a real relationship no matter what they think, but by playing a dirty game with some somebody’s life so they can’t ever go!  As months past and I was trying to still cope without my dad of not being around in my life any more which was so hard for me especially as it was now coming up to my first Christmas of not having my dad.  Because as I said before, me and my beloved dad, who I will always love, with all my heart, was so close, probably even more so, then maybe the rest of the family, whoever they may think or say if they had heard this, I know we were, as well as, those who really had knew me as a young child can tell you, as I’m referring to friends of the family.  

 And it was also, to do with the fact, that if anyone had truly came across my beloved dad’s wallet, that he always had on him, would have thought he had my mum photo in it, not forgetting, my sister’s would be besides myself, now wouldn’t you?  Well, you’re wrong!  Because, ever since I can remember, my dad had always carried four or five small photographs of yours truly, in his wallet, then, pictures of that Mafia that I was referring to my mum or sister.  Which, you would have thought so, but who didn’t, course of knowing full well, he, at times, showed me his wallet.

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