Wednesday, 5 January 2000

Playing Games - Chapter 39

 

   


   Chapter 39



   THE TIME

WHEN I SENT THE VALENTINE CARD TO MATT SECRETLY!

BUT, WHICH I TRULY WANTED TO SAY

TO MATT

 IN THE CARD! 


 Now, on Valentine’s Day 2009, I thought after losing my beloved dad, as I did, and how it effected me, due to how the rest of them, that calls themselves family, treated me, had so wanted to try and do something to not only cheer myself up, but also, what was most important to just try to forget that it was coming up to my dads first Anniversary year, of his death.  So, naturally, as it was approaching Valentines Day, on that very first year, I was told by someone else, that if you wanted to, anyone can send someone a Valentines Card.  As long as, you don't put whose it by!  

 So, what I done around Valentine that year, was get a small blank card, with a small duckling opening their feathers, allowing little red hearts to flower out from it.  And after going into a small Costa Coffee Shop, around from my work, first wanted to write something down that I so had wanted to put into this card for Matt, but not because of how I was feeling for him, Why, no!  It was mainly, that Matt was the only person that truly made this girl smile, so I could probably try to forget, how it was coming up to my dad’s first Anniversary of his death and who till this day onwards, deeply missed my dad so much!

 Anyway, what I so wanted to write down in this Valentine card of mine back then, was, “Brown Eyes!  "Brown Eyes, "where for you, my Brown Eyes?"  Followed by, “help, I need somebody!  "Help, not just anybody!  “Help, I need somebody! "And that’s you!  Which after asking one of the girl’s that worked there, of what they thought, of what I wanted to write down for Matt?  Told me, “how truly lovely, that was and then, hearing from a complete stranger who must have overheard me say what I had said.  Said, “go ahead and write it down!  Because she added, “you will only have this one chance, in your life time!

 Which may sound nice to hear, coming from someone, I never saw in my life, but who then I said, “well that’s easy for you to say that,” but as I continued to say, “but know, if I send this card to this person, well he would probably might get in trouble with the person he could be with!  Which, I wouldn’t dream of doing so, if that 's the case, but still they did tell me to, “just go ahead with writing something else!  But rather doing that, I just simply written, Guess Who?  In this card!  Because then surely this person, you may say, he could have been with, won’t really know who as sent it to him, if you write that!

 Which after remembering, of what that someone had once told me, "when Valentines Day was always drawing closer, well, anyone can send anyone, a Valentine Card, anyone,"  "Whether they may be with someone or not!  I did actually sent this card to Matt, but secretly through a friend, so Matt wouldn’t hopefully know, that it was from yours-truly and had written guess who?  Backwards!  So thinking he probably wouldn’t truly know, that who had sent it!  As well as, thinking he could have had loads of other Valentine Cards from other admirers.  But shortly after I had found out he received my card, that he himself, had came wondering into work, which first after noticing him, not only talking to that wheezily Pencil-Stick aka Bobby quietly, at the front near to the till, laughing away, but who also, slightly looked-like he was glancing to my direction, with a shear smile upon his face.

 Well at that point, I suddenly paused, what I was doing like always, whenever I saw him, course, of how he would always make me feel quite nervous and shy especially, at that time I had no idea of why he was there.  So, without thinking, I ran straight into the changing-rooms to hide myself, before anything might have happened.   Course, truly the way I felt was, I hoped he hadn’t saw me while he was talking to Bobby, because of sending that Valentine Card!  So, while I thought, “good!  He hasn't seen me!  Well, that was when I dashed straight into the changing-rooms to hide.  But of course, while I was in there, trying to hide from him or more so, trying to stop thinking of him!  But, that answer to that was, “no!  As I’m always thinking of him!

 But, as for thinking he hadn’t really notice me, like properly, no matter whether I had really thought that, while talking to Bobby quietly at the front, followed by a little laugh saw Matt glancing over, just slightly to me, that after waiting for a short while, decided to slowly walk out from the changing-rooms thinking, 'well he bound to be gone by now!  Only, boy!  Was I wrong, course, while I was half way of coming back out of the changing-rooms that I first saw there was no sign of the guy, as I thought, 'thank god, he’s gone,' walked out!  But no sooner then I had, then there, standing right close to the shoes and looking straight at me like as if they were waiting for me to come out from the fitting-rooms, was Matt!

 Only, while I slowly walked past him, hoping that he just wouldn’t approach me, not because I didn’t want him two, but, it was just as I came wondering out of the fitting-rooms and noticed him glancing at me with those adorable big brown eyes, well let’s just say he wasn’t smiling, but the look of anger in his eyes.  So, as I wondered over to sort some clothes out, well who should approach me?  But yes!  You’ve guessed it!  Matt!  Still looking so annoyed, but which unfortunately for me couldn’t walk away from him, as he asked, “did you send me a Valentine’s Card?"  In a anger tone of voice, which even though, I did, try to pretend at the time, that I didn’t, by saying, “no!  “I didn’t!  Quietly, because of the way he was seriously looking at me.

 Yet, the more he carried on asking me that question, the more I can honestly say, the guy made me scared, which eventually, I gave in, by saying, “okay!  “I did!  Which really I didn’t want two, but honestly, the guy was scaring me so much.  Because no sooner then I had, that you could say, that I regretted in sending him that Valentine Card, because of how he acted towards me, for doing it and most of all, for what he was saying to me, by simply shouting his mouth off to me.  Even though, I was right close to him.  The guy just wouldn’t stop shouting out, “how dare you do that."  As well as, making it clear to me, "that you know I don’t think of you like that,” “because I’ve got a girlfriend, who I’m engaged two!  Which was then, he turned quickly around for a moment to Bobby with a little smirk on his face .

 Although, by now he may have looked calm, but still he wanted to know of  what made you Sandy, to want to do such a thing like that?  Course, just once more, that gob of his, opened and said, so nastily-like to me, “you knew I don’t feel the same."  Even though I was really about to tell him the truth, the guy just would not stop asking me such questions and then ending up asking me, “so why did you think I would want that?"  Which then Matt had tried to make out that because of all those times I was trying to be nice to you."  

Which was then I stopped him from continuing, because of what he was trying to make out to me that he was nice to me, while he was working with us, which in some respect was a joke!  And so, it was then that I told him straight out, “but when have you ever been nice to me Matt?"  "Hey!  "When?"  Adding, “when?"  "For you were never really nice to me."  Which was when I could no longer hang around them both, because of knowing full well, if I had, then I would probably start to cry or even show I was getting upset!

 Now, I'm sure you know that shortly after, while I hid myself in our toilets because at this point, I was practically in tears trying to understand of why the guy had to be that nasty to me.  And okay!  It was all because of that Valentine Card that I thought I would secretly sent through one of my friends!  But still, come on, don’t you think that he could have may well over reacted slightly to my card?  

As I know that if that was anyone else, that would send someone a Valentines Card, then I'm sure they wouldn't be so nasty, only, nice whether they could have been with someone or not!  Because as I was told by that someone, "anyone can basically send anyone a Valentine’s Card!  Then, to really show up at your work and simply shouting their mouth off to me, like Matt!   Had heard, while I was in the toilets, crying, the back door to the staff-room door had opened and Bobby's voice telling Cilla who was in the Staff-room about how Matt was towards me!  Which was more then less saying that, “Matt just had a right go at Sandy!

 Now, as for whether she said it was all over that Valentine’s Card that I sent him, well I couldn’t really say, as I didn’t hear Bobby say that only, “hey!  “Cilla, you never guessed what’s just happened?"  "But Matt has just had a right go at Sandy."  Which then I was sure that I could just about hearing Cilla say, “he loves her really!  Well, that’s what I thought I heard her say.  

As for when I eventually came wondering back out, shortly after Bobby went back out, noticed just slightly, course, of having my head still low and feeling quite hurt and upset, Emmitt had wondered in and went straight over to Bobby, who shortly after turned his head  around and looked at me with a smile.  Which to be perfectly frank, made me thought, Bobby must have said something to him of what just happened as there couldn't be any other explanation, if he knew unless, Emmitt had saw Matt before he came wondering into see Bobby.  

 As I was trying to carry on with my work but yet, still just couldn’t help myself from looking at whether Emmitt or Bobby was maybe looking at me because of noticing Emmitt had looked at me in away that made me feel a little nervous.  Well let’s just say, while I was really trying to carry on working,  by slowly walking around sorting out the clothes out into size order, noticed as I slowly looked up now that both Bobby and Emmitt was looking at me with a smile but which Bobby had more gave me that sort of look while she was smiling at me.

 Then, while trying to do my work near the entrance, noticed that suddenly Emmitt had first quietly had a word in Bobby’s ear about something well that’s how it looked to me while at the same time, glancing over to where I was, for a brief moment.  But then who turned back to Bobby which then I saw both of them embracing each other, smiling but who strangely was both looking straight at me then each other like anyone would do!  Then who Emmitt surprisingly said out loud, but who once again, weren’t looking directly at Bobby while saying this but to me instead, still smiling, “I love you!  Thinking to myself, 'well, what was all that about, I wonder?  Course, there was no way, I love you Emmitt!  No way! 

 Now, for what was all that in aid of, I do not know only that was what he had actually said out loud.  As for maybe thinking he could have said that to Bobby well he could have since of all those times those two had spent around each other while Emmitt was working with us not forgetting, all those Christmas Parties.  But to see them to embrace each other as I did well let’s just say I never really known those two to ever do that!  Not unless, they’ve kept that a secret for so long which they could have done.  But still for Emmitt saying, “I love you,” while embracing Bobby but not looking at her only at me had truly made me think what peeresses you to say that Emmitt? 

 As well as thinking while I had heard Emmitt saying that or should that be dreaming was could what Emmitt had just said while for some reason looking straight at me then Bobby as you would have thought, be a message from (Brown Eyes).  Of not only try to apologise for how he behaved to me, but, who was really trying to tell me something else, that he would probably find it so hard to say himself!  Because that might mean, he would have to express his feelings to me.

 Which, meant, part of me just couldn’t really imagine that the guy, would ever express those sorts of emotions to me!  But still, that didn’t mean to say, that I couldn’t ever dream about that.  But what if though, he had showed those feelings to me?  Hey!  What if?  As I’m telling you now, if that would really happen, then that would probably surprise me for sure!  But as I also said, “if it weren’t for Matt, back then, then I really don’t think I would know that I would have all those emotions, that deep down, never knew I had, not forgetting, if it weren’t for knowing Matt, then I wouldn’t have known about that Actor, "Luke Wilson," who eve though, he maybe an Actor, is now totally in love with him!  Probably even more so, course of how I feel for Matt till this day onwards!

 

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